Saying “I do” is only the first step before getting married. You may not think about everything else that you need to do before the actual wedding, which doesn’t have anything to do with the date. Planning for marriage is more important than planning for the wedding. The wedding will last one day, but the marriage will, hopefully, last decades.
Before getting married, consider the following tasks.
Christian Premarital Counseling
Christian premarital counseling combines biblical principles and a faith-based lens with proven psychological methods to strengthen relationships. Using Jesus as the cornerstone, you can expect your sessions to lean toward understanding, love, forgiveness, and grace. You will learn the Bible’s viewpoint on subjects such as parenting, finances, living together, and more.
Christian premarital counseling before getting married also helps to draw you closer to Christ. You want to grow together spiritually and start your marriage off strong.
Keep your relationship strong
Being honest, fair, loyal, and faithful will keep your relationship strong, but it is easy to lose ground with more adult responsibilities. Prioritizing your relationship will always be a critical component of your marriage. If you feel like you or your significant other is losing sight of that, pause to take stock together about what can change.
As your family grows, parents age and need to be cared for, careers blossom, and other responsibilities crowd your life. Take the time to put each other first. No person or career should come between a husband and wife. Care for your family, but leave space open for your spouse.
Be a listening ear
Everyone needs to vent now and again. Stressful jobs, children’s behavior, teen angst, in-law drama – whatever the issue, be willing to listen to your significant other. Yours should be a willing and patient ear for them to unburden themselves, and they should be yours. Ask questions and show that you have an interest in their day.
When it comes to arguments between the two of you, extend grace and forgiveness, and be ready to find solutions that may require bending for both parties. Listen to your partner’s side and consider it before making a rash decision, and ask them to do the same.
Vow to work it out before getting married
Before getting married, vow to work it out no matter the odds. Obstacles will come against your marriage. Remember, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8, NIV) Temptations will come along, but if you follow Christ and vow to keep your marriage alive and strong, you can beat anything that aims to destroy your marriage.
Spiritual warfare includes attacks on marriage and family. When it seems like there is nothing left, commit to standing with each other against the world.
Discuss finances and living arrangements
It’s a good idea to discuss finances and living arrangements before getting married. Find out what your combined income will be, the amount of debt, and how you will manage checking, savings, investments, and retirement plans. Household budgets and living arrangements should also be created, so that you have a general idea of what you will need to live within your means.
If you and your significant other are unsure about managing finances, consult a financial advisor. Financial literacy is imperative in today’s technological world. You need to know how to budget and prepare for emergencies.
Get on the same page about children
Have you discussed children yet? Do you both want children? Sit down with your partner and discuss each other’s childhoods and what you want for your own children. Discuss how you want to handle birth control, spacing of births, discipline, and parenting. You don’t need to have all the answers yet, and you won’t until you become parents, but this will give you a general idea.
“Walking in the Wind”, Courtesy of Erik Mclean, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; If this marriage creates a blended family because children are already in the picture, discuss how you will handle new stepparenting roles, rules, boundaries, discipline, and quality time with each child. Blended families have their own issues that can cause problems in a new marriage.
Prioritizing your relationship is critical in a blended family. Children need security and routine, and you may not have those in place if you don’t plan accordingly before getting married.
Set boundaries with extended family
No matter how enamored you are with your significant other, when you marry them, you marry into their family. In-laws and extended family can create drama that can spill over into your marriage. Discuss with your partner what you want for your marriage and what boundaries the two of you need to set when it comes to family.
Make sure that you both agree on these new boundaries and discuss them with your family. If someone becomes offended by your new rules, explain that the two of you want to start your marriage off on a strong foundation and build your relationship, and that you ask that they respect your wishes.
Determine household chores
Household chores can be a sore spot for some couples. Often, the way a person perceives their role in chores falls on what they saw their role models doing during childhood. For example, if your husband’s mother did all the cooking and cleaning, then he may not realize that you want him to assume some responsibility.
Discuss your work schedules and obligations, and decide who will do what household chores, including laundry and property maintenance. If you cannot agree, consider hiring a house cleaner to come in once or twice a week or speak to a counselor to help you develop a fair plan.
Host a celebration that brings both families together
It is a good idea to introduce the families of the bride and groom before getting married. This gives everyone a chance to get to know one another. You could host a family get-together, picnic, or holiday feast.
Some couples use this time to announce their engagement and host games where in-laws must work together. You want to build a relationship with your in-laws, but don’t feel upset if there is a personality clash. People are only human after all. Just demand respect and peace from both sides.
Discuss your shared and individual vision for the future
You should be able to support your significant other in their goals while working toward your own. Discuss your individual and shared goals for the future. Will you both be content living in a specific area or city? Will your education be misaligned with your spouse’s career? Try to develop a shared vision.
If your goals seem to run contrary, not all is lost. Consult with a counselor to find a resolution. There will be times when one of you will need to make concessions for the other to make things better for both of you. It’s not about outsmarting or getting your way. It’s about building a future where both of you will benefit.
Doing what you can before getting married will lay a foundation that will last for years. Some of these conversations with your significant other may feel awkward and vulnerable, but these challenges will make you stronger. If you can’t be awkward and vulnerable with your soon-to-be spouse, you may need to spend a little more time with them.
Work together and voice your concerns and hopes. Share your vision of the future and listen to your significant other’s goals and dreams. Hold one another up even when things get hard.
Next Steps
If premarital counseling sounds like something you would like to try before getting married, call our office today to schedule a session. A Christian counselor specializing in premarital and marriage counseling will give you a call. You can choose to hold a session in-person at our local center or virtually. Call today to speak to a representative to get started.
“Married Couple”, Courtesy of Erik McLean, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
