Maintaining Intimacy While Long-Distance Dating

The world keeps changing at such a brisk pace that it can be hard to keep up with. There are new technologies and applications of those technologies that come up quite regularly, and they can change how we work, live, and connect with others. The buzz these days is around artificial intelligence, a technology that carries both promise and danger. Whatever is happening with technology, our chief concerns as humans remain the same.

Our hearts and our deepest selves are filled when we find meaningful connection with the Lord and with other people. Augustine of Hippo, the late 4th and early 5th century African bishop, wrote that we cannot be content unless we praise the Lord, “because you made us for yourself and our hearts find no peace until they rest in you”. Our various pursuits only find resolution in connecting with the Lord and with everyone made in His image.

Couples in long-distance relationships understand how important it is to maintain a sense of connection while being apart. It’s not easy, though technology has certainly made it easier in some respects. Having a few ideas and tips handy to help maintain that sense of connection can make the difference in your relationship, creating space for it to flourish.

Challenges for Long-Distance Couples

For existing couples that are contemplating the long-distance phase of their relationship, or for those that are already in it, it can be helpful to take time and consider the challenges that may come or that they’ve already faced. There’s value in naming things because then you can get a handle on what may be happening in your relationship or take steps to prepare for certain eventualities.

Some of the challenges long-distance couples face include loneliness and isolation. Being apart from your beloved, especially if you haven’t yet formed other friendships or places of connection, can leave you feeling disconnected and alone. Another challenge is having communication gaps, especially if you haven’t streamlined or nailed down your schedules and times to connect.

Couples may face other challenges like limited shared time, the result of scheduling conflicts, or simply the reality of having lives in different places that demand your presence in ways that cause misalignment. If you’re in different time zones, for example, your workday will look different, and if you have vastly different jobs, it can make it hard to align vacation time or your daily rhythms.

For many couples, the lack of physical intimacy is a significant challenge, and missing physical touch and closeness can become a huge deal, especially for individuals whose love language is touch. Being away from your loved one can increase one’s levels of anxiety, especially if you have attachment or abandonment issues to contend with. The distance can amp up your anxiety levels, and it can also test your trust in one another.

In the same vein, physical distance can also introduce jealousy and insecurity, and these may be rooted in fears of drifting apart or infidelity occurring. Depending on a person’s attachment style as well as any past relationship concerns, these fears may be unfounded or rooted in real concerns. Either way, they can be a source of concern for the couple.

A challenge that may be unique to long-distance couples is visitation stress. Not only might there be pressure with everyday conversations to get the most out of them, or to avoid negativity and conflict, but a couple might approach their in-person visits with a lot of stress and high expectations to “get it right.” This kind of stress adds pressure and might make it harder to simply enjoy time spent together.

Lastly, finding ways to maintain connection and remain emotionally close is another challenge that long-distance couples face. There is something that physical proximity provides that isn’t easily substituted, and that physical distance can set the stage for a slow emotional drift for the couple. These challenges can be overcome; it takes communication, trust, effort, commitment, and creativity to bridge the gap that physical distance creates.

Opportunities from Long-Distance Relationships

Perhaps it’s trying to find silver linings where there are none, but is it possible for a long-distance relationship to bring some unexpected opportunities? Perhaps. There are some obvious disadvantages to being physically apart from a loved one, but there may be some ways distance yields some good, too.

Being apart can be one way for a couple to improve their communication skills and learn to communicate effectively despite distance. A lot of bad communication habits can creep in when you see a person daily or are constantly in their presence. When communication is your lifeline, it takes on renewed importance and an emphasis it should always have had.

When you’re living your life without your partner there, it can also be an opportunity for independence, personal growth, and the pursuit of your individual goals. Being on your own can allow you to explore your own interests in ways that might be otherwise unavailable. It can provide you with opportunities to build strength and adaptability as you problem-solve and figure out the nitty-gritty details of daily life on your own.

The phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” has its merits. Being away from your loved one can provide you with opportunities to gain new insights, experiences, and perspectives on your beloved and your relationship. Sometimes there’s nothing like some distance to help you see more clearly. The distance can afford you a deeper appreciation of your time together.

A long-distance relationship may also provide opportunities for greater creativity as you find innovative ways to stay connected, perhaps mastering digital tools that can help you communicate more effectively. While it may be challenging, a couple can build and strengthen trust by remaining committed and being reliably present despite the distance. Being intentional can create space to forge even deeper emotional connections for the couple.

Some Tips for Maintaining Intimacy Across the Miles

Despite the challenges, a couple can maintain and deepen intimacy even while they’re physically apart. Technology can play a huge part in this, shortening the distance and providing ways to support and connect with a loved one. Some of the tips and things to consider that could help promote intimacy in your long-distance relationship include the following:

Small gestures count Asking seemingly simple questions like “How are you doing?” or checking in regularly throughout the day can help promote emotional closeness, and it helps one feel like their partner cares. The little things you do daily can contribute to an overall sense of security and feeling seen by a loved one.

Speak their love language People understand love and receive it in different ways. Being aware, firstly, of their love language, and then moving toward them to meet that need can make a world of difference. Your partner might appreciate a text affirming or encouraging them. You can send gifts that celebrate your moments together and provide something tangible and tactile that can be interacted with.

You can also hire a TaskRabbit to perform an act of service for a loved one, or have food delivered when they are having a long day. Find ways to show them that you care about them, are aware of their needs, and want to meet those needs as best as you can.

Shared rituals and activities This might be a show that you watch together, having a regular date night, or working alongside one another over a video call. Sharing memes or clips from social media that you can bond over and make a part of your daily connection can also help you bond. Celebrate your wins together in ways that are meaningful to you both.

Thoughtful gifting Nothing can be a substitute for physical presence, but there are ways to communicate affection while you’re apart. Thoughtful gifts, such as sending a care package with your loved one’s favorite snacks or sending flowers to them just because, can mean a lot. Having healthy ready meals or soup sent to them when they aren’t feeling well lets them know you’re thinking of them.

Respect each other’s boundaries One partner might have more concerns for privacy than the other; they might be more comfortable with flirtatious texts or photos than the other. Others aren’t into posting every detail about the relationship online, or they prefer to keep their intimacies in more direct messages or communication.

Online intimacy for couples has some pitfalls, and it’s good to have honest discussions about this. When you know one another’s limits and preferences, you can use what you know to connect, share intimacies, and embrace the relationship for all its worth.

Be intentional All in all, one of the key things that makes it possible to maintain intimacy long distance is intentionality. Without intentionality, it’s easy to lose touch, not make thoughtful gestures, and simply get swallowed up by your separate lives. Intentionality also includes having challenging conversations and creating the space necessary for those.

Seek support Long-distance relationships have their challenges, and you could use the support and accountability of wise and trusted loved ones, or a professional in the form of a counselor or therapist. A couple might use a guided or guarded space in which to explore these challenges and come up with workable solutions.

Online counseling is a possibility that a long-distance couple can explore. It’s flexible, the couple can call in from different locations, and it can help a couple’s communication, intimacy, and sense of connection to flourish. To learn more or to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other counselors in our online directory, contact us today.