Learning to Trust After Trauma: Spotting People’s Green Flags

Many of us know what it feels like to have been traumatized by a toxic relationship, whether it was romantic, platonic, or professional. It might have been an overly critical partner, a bullying boss, or a manipulative best friend who caused emotional damage, leaving us with low self-esteem and trust issues. Even if it’s hard, moving past this can help.

It’s important to move on for the sake of your love life, social life, or career, but it’s also common to feel wary of others after being so negatively impacted by someone. It takes time and practice to learn to trust again after trauma, but there will be safe people who will help the healing process. It all starts with learning to recognize the green flags, or positive signs that someone is trustworthy and wholesome.

Cycles, Spirals, and Choices

“Once bitten, twice shy,” as our parents used to say about any impactful experience. It’s human nature to shrink back from danger and preserve peace and sanity. Still, some people seem to run headlong into danger and toxic relationships.

There are hundreds of reasons why we allow awful people into our lives, and still more reasons why we stay in harmful situations, some of them quite complex. We don’t live our lives by being perfect and getting everything right. We live them by having all kinds of experiences and learning from them.

Maybe the first step in our healing process needs to be learning to practice non-judgment. Some people get caught in a spiral where they consistently make bad choices because they don’t feel worthy of the benefits of a healthy one.

The toxic relationships they involve themselves in reinforce their opinions and beliefs about themselves, ensuring that they will never make a healthy choice. Such a person does not need to hear judgments and disapproval. They need to become aware of their true value and worth.

Nothing cripples us quite as effectively as guilt, shame, and fear. Even when we were victimized and traumatized by harmful, toxic people, many of us carry guilt and shame as if we were the ones to blame. There is a difference between acknowledging where we should have made a better choice and continuing to carry the blame for something that was never our fault.

Growth and healing are about looking back, learning, and breaking cycles and spirals with healthier choices. It can take years of practice to learn to do this, but what counts is that we are living, learning, and being kinder to ourselves.

Spotting People’s Green Flags

It’s often the case that the safest, healthiest people to spend time with are not the ones who make the biggest first impression. They might not be the most charming, best-looking, or most charismatic person. They might be older than most of our other friends, or even married, ruling out the possibility of a future relationship.

Being a more non-judgmental person extends to not ruling others out based on shallow criteria. A safe person might be entirely different from anyone you have been friends with before, but maybe that is exactly what you need.

There is no particular list of assets when looking for someone to trust again. It is different from the dating site culture, where you swipe left or right based on a short list of shallow points. Safe people make you feel something you don’t ordinarily feel, and they do it naturally, without having to manipulate the situation. Here are some identifiers of people who are likely safe to trust and become close to:

You feel calm around them

Some people simply radiate peace, calm, and positive vibes. They are unrattled, not easily stressed, but most of all, they have no expectations of you. You might feel calm around them because of their peaceful nature, but it also might be that they have no interest in policing you, controlling you, or manipulating you. You feel emotionally regulated around them, even though they often have no idea that is the case.

You can be yourself around them without fear of being judged

The safest people are usually the ones who see you and accept you as you are. You might be fragile, emotionally tender, and defensive around them as you nurse wounds from a previous traumatic experience.

They will see this and accept it, knowing that sometimes people need the time, space, and patience to heal. It might be an entirely new concept for you, but the freedom and release that comes from being seen and not judged is a deep part of healing from trauma.

They move at a pace you are comfortable with

Whether this person is a coworker, a love interest, or a new friend, you will know that they are safe because they let you set the pace of the connection. Safe people might show interest, but it won’t feel like prying. They might encourage you, but it won’t feel controlling. They might invite you out, but they won’t sulk if you decline.

You might realize that you have been calling the shots and setting the pace in the relationship without even realizing it, but that is no mistake on their part. They intentionally let you take the lead out of respect for you.

You let your guard down around them to the point of being fun and even silly

One of the most healing aspects of connecting with safe people is that we rediscover joy. When we’re around toxic people or in traumatizing situations, we become focused on survival, and there is no space for us to enjoy anything. We might wear a kind of emotional armor to avoid the toxic darts of criticism, or the poisoned arrows of shame.

In contrast, safety means relaxing, dropping the heavy burdens, and enjoying the small things. Sometimes we literally have to shake off the negative effects of past trauma and celebrate with the person who makes us feel safe and joyful again.

You can express your opinions, preferences, and truths around them

One of the most common things to be targeted in a toxic relationship is our boundaries. Harmful people tend to step all over our boundaries, even taking delight in destroying them. Our voice, preferences, opinions, and truths are all ignored or picked apart for sport. If a red flag is how silenced we feel, a green flag is how comfortable and easy it is to make ourselves heard with someone. A safe person will value our opinions, preferences, and honesty.

Their feedback and critiques do not feel harsh or judgmental

Any kind of relationship is made up of give and take. In the same way that it is a green flag for someone to take your opinion or feedback on board, it is also a good sign if they can offer their opinion, feedback, and even critique. If they are safe, this will not feel alarming and will not cause you to feel ashamed, which might be a new experience for you. They are safe if they are honest in a sensitive way.

You feel comfortable sharing your highs, lows, and mids with them

That armor we wear around harmful people extends to our faces. In toxic relationships, we often mask our emotions and hide our experiences. Safe people make us drop our guards, cast away our emotional armor, and learn to share from our personal experiences again. They see us on our good, bad, and mediocre days, and there is healing in being able to be honest around them.

Breaking the Cycle: Christian Counseling in Vancouver, WA

If you have left a toxic relationship, you have begun a process of healing already. May it continue as you carefully choose who to open up to and who to avoid. Significant healing occurs in private as you reflect on your memories and choices, but an important part of healing happens when you let someone into your life again. Love is patient, kind, and non-judgmental. If you find it, hold onto it so that you may let go of shame, guilt, and fear.

It’s not always easy to find safe people, but a good place to start is with a Christian counselor in Vancouver, Washington. Counselors build their careers on confidentiality, kindness, and patience. If you would like to meet with a Christian counselor in Vancouver, Washington, please contact us, and we can help.