New parents often hold their babies in their arms, stare into their innocent eyes, and wonder what is going on in their heads. Are they scared or worried or in pain? Thankfully, that mystery starts to diminish when children begin to talk. They can better communicate their needs and describe their emotions when they develop vocabulary.
Things seem to run smoothly for a few years. Communication is on point, relationship bonds have formed between you and your child, and you feel like the difficulties of the infant and toddler years are in the rear-view mirror. But then the teen years hit. You stare at your teens and wonder what is really going on beneath the face piercings, dramatic sighs, and the fifty-dollar skincare product they just had to have.
You would think you’d have your teen all figured out. After all, you’ve had years to learn about their preferences, triggers, fears, and goals. But sometime around puberty, your once clingy child who had to share every detail of their day with you clammed up, and now the only communication you may get is a grunt or a single-word text.
As a parent, you want to do what’s best for your child, but in those moments of broken curfews, sarcastic eye rolls, and disobedience, it feels hard. You don’t know whether what is best is a dose of reality and natural consequences or a gentle, protective, and passive hug.
Many teens want to go to counseling, but they just don’t know how to communicate that wish. They struggle with self-assertiveness. They worry they’re going to offend you or fear hurting your feelings. And when the topic of counseling comes up, a whole new set of emotions can sprout, including fear of what is really going on and guilt that you didn’t see the severity of their anguish.
They’re not trying to blame you
One of the biggest and most common fears parents have when their teen starts counseling is what their child is going to say about them. Of course, as their parent, you are a major component in how they have developed as a person, so the relationship is bound to be discussed. But therapy is more about teaching your child to deal with their own emotions and giving them tools to cope with life than it is about assigning blame to you or anyone else.
No one is perfect, but your mistakes don’t define you as a parent, nor do they doom your child to a life of unhappiness. Counselors aren’t there to point out all your imperfections. Instead, counseling helps your teen realistically make sense of their world and may even give them some greater insights into why you parent the way that you do.
They need a neutral third party
Teens are smart, much smarter than adults often give them credit for. When they come to you to discuss a situation, they want honest feedback. They can tell when someone is taking sides or being biased. While it’s nice to have the unwavering support of a parent, bias, even if it is in their favor, can lead to frustration or even resentment.
As well-intentioned as you might be, telling your child that they are always right may undermine the value of your opinion. Likewise, being overly critical of your child may prevent them from confiding in you at all.
They crave someone outside of their family who can listen without judgment, history, or panic. They want someone who can help them contextualize their life. A counselor can be the voice of reason who helps them sort through their thoughts and emotions without the fear of disappointing someone they love.
They don’t always know how to process big feelings
Your teen may look like an adult, but their mind and emotions are still developing. Part of this learning process is learning how to handle big, adult emotions like rejection, anxiety, grief, shame, or sadness in a healthy way. While they are intelligent, they might not have the vocabulary or maturity to verbalize all those internal struggles.
Counselors can help your child learn the labels and vocabulary for the feelings that are bouncing around inside. And what’s even better is that counselors can help your child figure out what to do with them.
They want your support (even if they don’t act like it)
Teenagers are pros at acting aloof and self-reliant. From the outside, they might appear not to care about much of anything except their social life and video games. They especially don’t appear to care about what their parents think. But under those layers of grunts and body spray is your child, who is vulnerable, scared, and uncertain.
Therapy can help your teen find the confidence they need to express their needs and can give them the reassurance that you love them and are proud of them, even if you aren’t the best at communicating it yourself.
They need you to work on yourself
This one’s tough because it shifts the focus not on what your teen is doing wrong, but on what areas of your life need attention. For many parents, that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s easier to focus on the areas in your child’s life that need improving, but a whole different story when you need to examine your own life.
Parenting is not for the weak. And while most parents can maintain a certain degree of calm, everyone loses their cool sometimes. But even in those moments when you throw your hands up in frustration, it’s important to realize that your teen is watching.
They notice how you handle the stressful situations that come your way. They pay attention (even with earbuds on) to how you treat people. They have a front row seat to see how you treat yourself and how you cope with pain.
No parent is perfect, but it is important to be willing to grow with your teen. Let them see you be the first to apologize when there’s a dispute. Let them witness you read the Scriptures and attend church. And let them see you attend your own counseling sessions, where you can unload your mental weights and find your own coping strategies.
Choosing the right counselor
It can be a leap of faith to entrust the mental and emotional well-being of your child to a stranger. That’s why it is important to look for a counselor who specializes in working with adolescents and understands the developmental and emotional needs of that age group.
Another important factor in choosing the right counselor for your teen is to find someone who shares your personal values and faith. God cares deeply about your teen, and it’s imperative to find a counselor who can help them understand that.
Counseling is love
Some people equate sending their teen to therapy as a failure, but the opposite is true. It takes personal fortitude to admit that you or your child could use support in a world that often champions self-help. Encouraging your teen to see a Christian therapist shows that you care enough about them to get the help they need.
For a teen who might be struggling with self-esteem issues or who feels lost, misunderstood, or overwhelmed, the effort you show in supporting them can make all the difference. Even if they don’t express it now, know that they will remember that you had their best interest in mind and that you loved them through their messy teen years.
Reach out to our reception team today to schedule an appointment with me or another counselor in our online directory.
Photos:
“Girl on a Wall”, Courtesy of Frank Flores, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Gaming”, Courtesy of Zach Wear, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;
