No one would like to think that it could happen to them, but any marriage can fall prey to infidelity. Infidelity is one of the main reasons why couples get divorced, and still, some couples experience infidelity and manage to work through it without arriving at divorce. There are many reasons why infidelity occurs. They can be more complex than the stereotypical image of an unhappy couple who turn outside the relationship to have their needs met.
There are some signs to look out for that can suggest that infidelity is either taking place or will happen soon. No one wants to be blindsided. Being aware of these possible signs will help you potentially nip the issue in the bud, or it may help you initiate a necessary conversation to address concerns.
When it comes to something as complex as human behavior and infidelity, one needs to be careful about how they read signs. Signs can be misinterpreted, or they may be pointing to something else entirely. While trusting your instincts if you feel something is wrong is not a bad way to go, proceeding with caution and being careful about making unfounded accusations is also a wise course of action.
Weigh the signs judiciously, and create room for a conversation with your spouse to explain their behavior. Below are a few of the signs to look out for that may point to infidelity.
Some Classic Signs of Infidelity
When a person is having an affair, whether that affair is an exclusively emotional one, a purely physical one, or one that is physical with real affections involved, it affects and changes them. Some of those changes may be subtle, while others are drastic and easy to spot. Human beings are creatures of habit, and we settle into patterns of behavior.
When new patterns of behavior emerge, and they don’t have a cause you can easily identify, that should raise some questions. Some patterns of behavior would suggest an attraction outside the primary relationship, and you should be aware of these. To ensure judicious wisdom when evaluating these signs, some alternative readings will be offered that may be worth thinking through to ensure that you’ve eliminated other, possibly innocent interpretations.
Sudden Interest in Their Appearance
If a person who hasn’t been very concerned about how they look suddenly begins to spend time grooming themselves, getting in shape, buying new clothes, cologne/perfume, and underwear, that should raise some concerns.
Of course, people can spark an interest in these things for a variety of reasons. Some benign reasons include starting a new job with different standards of dress and appearance, a midlife crisis, or experiencing a significant event that transforms their outlook on life, such as the death of a friend or a health scare.
You know what’s going on in your spouse’s life. If none of the alternatives resonate, their sudden interest in their appearance may be because of a third party. That doesn’t mean an affair is happening, but it might be pointing to your spouse having an attraction toward someone else and wanting to impress them.
Suspicious Financial Activity
Infidelity often has financial implications. Buying gifts, booking hotel rooms, and extra gas from driving farther than usual are a few extra expenses that may be evident. There is often a financial trail when infidelity is happening.
If you find unexplained purchases on your credit card, a larger phone or gas bill than the norm, and other financial oddities, it’s good to ask some questions. Keep in mind that with realities such as gambling addiction, shady financial practices from your spouse may stem from another source entirely, other than having an affair.
Increased Desire for Privacy, Secretive Behavior
In most healthy relationships, there is openness and a willingness to be held accountable. That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be boundaries in a relationship, as boundaries can promote the health of a relationship and the people in it. However, changes in behavior can indicate a problem.
Hiding their phone from view when you’re near, no longer using the family computer to do their work, taking calls outside the room, changing their cloud storage settings so their devices don’t sync with the family account, and generally shutting off a part of themselves are a few indications that can point to something such as infidelity taking place. Other things like porn addiction could also explain this behavior, but that, too, requires a conversation.
Decreased Sexual Interest
Unexplained changes in sexual behavior in the marriage can also point to infidelity, inasmuch as those needs might be getting met elsewhere. Libido can change due to mental health challenges such as depression and certain medications. Pressures in life can also lower one’s libido. If these are excluded, and what’s left doesn’t quite add up, it may be a sign of infidelity.
Compensatory Behavior
Sometimes people will act nicer to make up for a guilty conscience or to cover up any suspicions of inappropriate behavior. Unexpected gifts that aren’t part of the norm or attached to significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries are often part of that compensatory behavior.
A partner may become more attentive, patient, sweet, generous, or compassionate. If such behavior is out of the norm for your spouse, and it isn’t attached to any significant events in their life (such as a new or renewed relationship with the Lord), some questions may be warranted.
Becoming Uninvolved
Infidelity requires energy, whether physical, mental, or emotional. With their energy being poured into the affair, you may find that they don’t have energy for their primary relationship. They may begin checking out of the relationship.
This happens in various ways, such as not fighting with you anymore and indicating they don’t seem to care one way or another, staying at work longer, unexplained absences and trips away from home, and other unusual things. They may not have the energy to play with the kids as much as before or be willing to help as much around the house.
There are other possibilities for these behaviors. This emotional and physical detachment may be the result of depression in men, for instance. Still, it may also signal that their energy is being used elsewhere.
Inadequate Responses When Questioned About Their Behavior
If you approach your spouse with concerns, consider their response. If you bring up things you’ve seen and heard that make you think infidelity is taking place, and their only response is anger, that can point to something they are trying to hide. Similarly, if they try to gaslight you, that too could point to the truth of the matter.
Consider the Signs Carefully
People aren’t necessarily formulaic about how they conduct affairs. The presence or absence of any one sign doesn’t mean it’s conclusive that an affair is happening. A bunch of signs taken together is certainly more suggestive of what’s going on.
Looking Beyond the Signs
Unless there is something conclusive, such as you walking in on your spouse having an affair or coming across a conversation or texts that show that an affair (emotional or physical) is taking place, one has to rely on signs and hints. Whether it’s your gut or a strange occurrence that has you on alert, it’s important to think about what comes next.
Talk through it Having a conversation about whether something might be going on can be difficult. Accusations can have repercussions for your relationship, but it’s important to bring up concerns and talk through them thoroughly.
It may turn out that there’s something else entirely that’s going on. If it is an affair, you may want to find out the details of the affair: who the affair is/was with, its duration, whether there is affection shared between them, and so on.
If there is no affair, if what raised your concerns was linked to any boundaries (for instance, privacy and what was perceived as secretive behavior), your spouse may need to consider that their boundary may be causing distress. Talk about changes you can make together.
Consider seeking help Express your concerns empathetically and clearly, indicating the various things you’ve seen that have brought you to this place, and talk through how to possibly remedy them. Affairs happen for a variety of reasons. Talking with your spouse about what may have led them to have an affair may bring up many emotions and questions about your relationship.
Having this conversation under the guidance of a trained and licensed marriage therapist can help you explore and unpack these questions and emotions in a constructive and safe space. Infidelity doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. It is possible to work through the issues and emerge stronger on the other side.
To connect with a counselor who can help, reach out to someone on this site.
Photo:
“Fighting”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License
