Irreconcilable Differences: Finding Peace Within When Relationships Are Not Restored

“Break Up to Make Up” formed the title and theme of a well-known song released in a pivotal decade in modern history. The lyrics lament one couple’s experience of perpetual tension in their relationship. They couldn’t harmonize their efforts, despite the investment in their connection. Under the pressure, the relationship fractured, and a breakup ensued. Healthy reasons to leave outnumbered the rationale for staying.

Like that tune, many of us find ourselves trying to remedy relational issues, only to find our souls steeped in disrepair. We avoid thinking about the other side of “what if” when considering separation.

The truth is that couples split, friends unfriend, and relatives don’t always recover relational footing. When we confront this painful reality in our own lives, we need a path forward when we discover and decide that the relationship we once had will not continue.

People take breaks for various reasons. Sometimes, we need time and investment for personal development. We may discover broken areas where we’ve cut down one another with words. We may find we’ve wounded ourselves with destructive patterns that hemorrhage vitality from our connections. Wounds compound, revealing a mounting history of pain, injury, and retaliation.

In attempts to heal and love one another, we may stumble on stressors and resurrect unhelpful coping mechanisms. We might not realize that our souls are peppered with active landmines, and somewhere in the middle, we and our loved ones trigger unattended wounds, damaging our connection beyond recognition.

Tips for dealing with irreconcilable differences

Toxic tendencies may flare while self-serving behavior complicates communication. Our challenges drive us into opposite corners, further contributing to misunderstanding and irreconcilable differences.

Breakups and boundaries

Having a boundary and choosing to love from an emotional or physical distance is wise. It buffers us from reigniting harmful thoughts and uncomfortable feelings that lead to problematic behaviors that eventually disintegrate connection.

Space may allow us to form a clear and sober decision about how to move forward. It can often be a critical first step in nurturing our souls and recovering from a heart fracture. At times, wisdom points to moving on without the person with whom we have enjoyed fellowship.

The Bible gives voice to the impact of this disruption on our psyche. King David felt it deeply. He penned his pain, noting the betrayal and acknowledging what the friendship meant to him. He further explored how devastated he was when it ended. In many ways, the Psalms – those written by David and others – illustrate emotion in profound ways that resonate with us. They offer freedom and invoke permission to express the grief in our hearts.

It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me ­– I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. – Psalm 55:12-14, NLT

God doesn’t censor or scold, but rather welcomes us to approach Him confidently for the grace and mercy He offers in desperate times (Hebrews 4:16). It is here in the seeking and searching, we encounter what carries us through debilitating realities (Jeremiah 29:13). He equips us with strength and the healing that gives rise to resilience.

Although we face a mountain of challenges, we always have the Holy Spirit’s power active within to uproot and displace anything that obstructs the momentum God wants us to regain (Zechariah 4:7; Mark 11:23). He is present in our lowest and darkest, bringing light, new life, and elevation through old pain and brokenness.

But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. Psalm 55:16-17, NLT

Acknowledge the loss

If you realize this is as far as you and the person can travel together, recognize that wrestling in indecision can prolong the pain you already feel.

Embrace the confidence to come to that decision with the Holy Spirit. You have the strength to choose for yourself, instead of waiting on another to determine if this is where you shift course. Lingering in the pain of indecision can sometimes feed false narratives, offering hope that won’t materialize into a healthy reunion.

While you may not have closure in the way that engages in more contact with the other person, you can welcome the peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7).

As you navigate this process with the Holy Spirit, allow yourself space to consider the following measures: erase phone numbers, pictures minimize or block contact on social platforms, or donate any presents from the individual as needed to secure and safeguard your peace. This may seem drastic, but holding onto physical tokens may arouse discomfort and despair, triggering more relational trauma.

Affirm yourself with soul care and support

Feel what you feel and express it with healthy coping strategies. Explore some new coping strategies to build up. Seek out a new hobby or resume an old one. Pain has a way of being reframed and repurposed when we funnel it into productivity. Don’t distract yourself and deflect from the pain, but rather find your balance as you heal.

Form opportunities for rest, recreation, and reflection, both individually and in community. Gather friends and family whose presence nourishes. Carve time to intentionally reconnect with safe people who offer support without condemnation or criticism. Between actively caring for your soul and making meaningful contributions to someone else, you can advance the healing and growth you want to see in your own heart.

Take inspiration from Job whose life was transformed in a season of abject suffering to one of glorious restoration. His example reveals the importance of creating space for healthy grief. Through prayer, he embraced the strength to release those who wronged him, trusting God to do what was necessary in their lives. He looked forward, with God’s help, to embrace the new and what was to come.

Accept what you attempted, but could not accomplish together

Create a path forward, knowing that it is only God who guaranteed that He’d never leave you nor forsake you. While people make promises, they are sometimes unable to uphold a vow, even with the best of intentions and efforts. Although the relationship failed, it doesn’t mean that you flawed. Nurse yourself with scripture and affirming self-talk.

“I did the best I could.”

“I am learning from this.”

“I am worthy.”

“God has a plan for me/this.”

You may be tempted to engage in harmful self-deprecation – discounting your worth. Resist this. Instead, submit to the truth of what the Word says about you. The enemy would like you to believe that no one will want to befriend you or enter into a relationship with you again. Remember, some connections were designated for certain seasons or for particular reasons. Not everyone will transition with you into future chapters of your life story.

While this hurts, honoring it affords space to mourn the loss so that you might move on. Giving yourself room to grieve acknowledges your time and investment while allowing you room to grow. You will not be the same, but that isn’t always a bad thing.

Knowing that a connection impacted and transformed you is powerful on its own. Acknowledging the lesson celebrates the journey you’re on.

Next steps for dealing with irreconcilable differences

Something in this article may have summoned your soul to attention. You don’t have to fear or run from the reality that pain may be inviting you to face. You have the Lord’s comfort available. Welcoming a counselor’s support may accelerate your grieving and healing.

We welcome you to consider a professional on this site and schedule an appointment.