Surviving Divorce: How to Thrive While Experiencing Loss

Painful life experiences abound, and a good deal of them are connected with relationships. We are relational and social creatures, with the result that our relationships make up a large portion of what matters most in our lives.

When our relationships are healthy, that’s a good indicator that we’re flourishing. When things go awry in relationships, it affects overall well-being. Nonetheless, surviving divorce and flourishing when a marriage ends is possible.

The Complexities of Divorce

It would be a mistake to think that divorce is easy, especially when the marriage was marked by unhappiness and interminable struggles. Divorce can be and often is one of life’s most painful experiences, regardless of the circumstances.

When most people enter a marital union, they do so with hope and faith that they will be happy together for the rest of their lives. Ending such a relationship comes with layers of grief and confusion.

Working through divorce requires that you face the situation with honesty as well as healthy support that helps to anchor you through it all. There isn’t just one path that everyone who’s getting divorced takes. Every marriage is its own story, and the end of a marriage is also its own unique story.

When a divorce happens, it’s rarely the result of a single event. Often, there are many steps along the way that lead to the eventual breakdown of a marriage, to the point where a couple can’t see themselves together.

That process may take months or years, and it brings about many complex emotions like guilt, anger, grief, shame, and even relief. These emotions can appear at different times, and they touch nearly every part of a person’s life.

The most obvious change that a divorce brings is the change in relationship status, but that’s far from the only change. Divorce often brings other changes and concerns, such as needing to financially rearrange your life, adjusting your parenting responsibilities, and managing your living situation.

Another result of divorce is that it can stir up deep spiritual questions about forgiveness, your identity and sense of self in this new season, the Lord’s plan for your life, and your sense of security. It’s not just your relationship with your former spouse that changes; your relationships in the church, among friends, and with your extended family are also affected. There are many opinions and expectations to navigate.

The Challenges Divorce Brings to Your Well-being

Given the various complexities that divorce brings to your life, it isn’t surprising that it affects your well-being on several levels. For one thing, divorce can be stressful. There are financial costs involved, not to mention the logistical challenges that come with uncoupling. Stress often results in disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, and a negative impact on your overall health.

Emotionally, divorce is a source of grief, whether the relationship was good or not. Cherished dreams are being laid to rest, tears are shed for the years the locusts ate, and dealing with the heartache and pain you and your former spouse caused one another. There is fear of the unknown, and one may also have to grapple with a sense of failure.

Socially, divorce can change your landscape dramatically. Friendships, family connections, and church relationships can become strained or awkward. For their own reasons, the people in your life will choose sides, and that can have a devastating impact if it means losing friends and vital support at such a critical time.

Lastly, spiritually, divorce can leave you grappling with feelings of shame and guilt. You may begin to perceive yourself negatively and maintain unhealthy self-talk. Others experience a feeling of distance from the Lord, even in those situations where the decision was unavoidable.

Divorce can impact every aspect of your well-being, leaving you vulnerable to poor physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. If these challenges don’t get addressed, isolation, bitterness, and making use of unhealthy coping mechanisms are a true risk to keep a watchful eye on.

What to Avoid when Trying to Survive Divorce

Before launching into some healthy and effective ways to survive divorce, it may be helpful to take a detour and explore some common but unhealthy ways to try to survive a divorce.

It may be tempting, but avoid rushing into another relationship. Divorce can leave you feeling unworthy of love, and you may question your prospects or if you’ll even survive the world of dating post-divorce.

Whatever the case might be, take your time to heal and avoid trying to fill the void prematurely. Find your footing, work through your pain, and find joy before inviting another person into the deeper places of your heart and soul.

Another consideration is that you shouldn’t withdraw from the Lord or the church. Getting divorced can bring judgment from others, and your spiritual home may not feel safe any longer. You may feel shame or anger as you see how others around you are in light of this development, but you need to remain anchored in the Lord and among His people. That may mean finding a new spiritual home, but don’t withdraw from God or His people completely.

You should also avoid feeding revenge or bitterness. It can be tempting to narrate and re-narrate the ways your former spouse wronged you, or what should have happened. You can fuel anger, bitterness, and resentment as you dwell on what was or what should have been. Bitterness and the desire to get even may feel good, but they only serve to cloud your future and delay healing.

Do not ignore your physical and emotional needs. A relationship breakdown can take its toll on your body and mind. It’s not healthy to deny your grief or to ignore your needs at this (or any) time. These needs include the need to rest, so don’t overwork yourself. They also include the need for social interaction, to eat healthy food, expand your intellectual horizons, and connect meaningfully with God.

Lastly, you should also avoid making major decisions too quickly. Life may thrust some huge decisions upon you at this time, like needing to find a new home, changing jobs, or reentering the job market. Where it isn’t strictly necessary, however, avoid doing too much too soon. Give yourself the time you need to process what you’ve been through before making huge life changes.

Healthy Ways to Survive Divorce and Thrive

The Lord isn’t fond of divorce, given what marriage represents and the damage that divorce can cause (Malachi 2:16; Matthew 19:1-12; Ephesians 5:31-32). However, Scripture does speak to different circumstances for divorce (Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:15), and life after divorce can be more than just survival. It is possible to thrive. Some healthy ways to work through a divorce and flourish include:

Allow yourself to grieve Recognize and acknowledge the loss fully. Different days and experiences may reveal new dimensions of loss, like the loss of companionship or support, or how your former spouse could bring out parts of you that no one else can.

Some people journal, while others prayerfully reflect on their marriage, and still others use art or creative expression to explore and release their emotions.

Stay connected to others We need community, especially in the dark times. When you’re isolated, it can lead to more rumination, slowing your healing process. Connect with friends, your Bible study group, or a ministry that helps you feel safe. Don’t disengage from the Lord either. Rather, take your heavy and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts to Him, because He cares about you (1 Peter 5:6-7).

Prioritize self-care and growth Don’t neglect your well-being in this season. Your emotional resilience can be bolstered by taking care of the ‘little’ things like good sleep, nutrition, regular exercise, and finding spaces of rest. As you go, seek the Lod and ask Him to show you new opportunities, places of growth, and ways to begin rebuilding and serving in line with His purposes for you.

Forgive and release The way to undo bitterness and stop it from gaining a foothold in your heart is to forgive them and yourself. This is not a way to excuse wrongs, but it releases you from bitterness and the need to get even. This is the only way for you to move forward with your life.

Seek support and counseling Divorce can leave open wounds and scars that need healing. By speaking with a trained and licensed counselor, you can find support and wise counsel during a challenging season of life. With help, you can emerge wiser, stronger, and more deeply rooted in your faith. Contact our reception team to get connected with a counselor who will walk with you on this journey.