8 Ways a Fear of Abandonment Could Show Up in Your Life

Do you worry excessively about losing someone close to you? Have you ever stayed in an unhealthy relationship because you were afraid of being alone? Do you avoid getting too close to people to avoid being hurt, or have trouble feeling emotionally connected to others? If so, read on. This article may be for you.

The Need for Connection

God created us as relational beings designed to connect with Him and with others. As infants, we depend on our mother or primary caregiver for survival, and to take care of our basic needs to be fed, clothed, nurtured, kept safe, and cared for.

This first relationship creates a blueprint for what we grow up to expect in future relationships. If it is characterized by inconsistency or neglect, and our basic safety and security needs go unmet, it can lead to an anxious attachment style characterized by a fear of abandonment and rejection.

What is a fear of abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is a deep, overwhelming fear that the people you love will leave you. It is a fear you may not consciously be aware of, but that manifests through various symptoms such as trust issues, jealousy, or codependency, that impact the way you function in your day-to-day life and impair your ability to form normal relationships as an adult.

Examples of Ways Fear of Abandonment May Manifest

All people who have a fear of abandonment worry that those close to them will leave or reject them. However, not all of them react to their fear the same way. Symptoms may manifest differently in different people depending on the attachment style they developed due to the interactions and experiences they underwent as they tried to bond with their parent or primary caregiver during infancy.

Anxiety Fear of abandonment can make you feel insecure in your relationships and constantly anxious, edgy, and distressed as you keep looking for signs of something wrong or worry about being ghosted. You also have a fear of being alone, and may struggle with intense anxiety, bordering on panic, when you have to spend time away from your partner or loved one.

Distrust Fear of abandonment can make it hard for you to trust others. You are suspicious of their intentions, question their motives, and often make false assumptions such as, for instance, having an irrational fear that your spouse is having an affair, because you were cheated on by someone else in the past, which can lead to arguments, accusations, unnecessary conflict, and create distance between you.

Irrational fears You tend to overthink things, misjudge what someone else may be thinking about an interaction you had with him or her, and are constantly looking for hidden meanings to justify your fears.

Staying in unhealthy relationships Low self-esteem, the belief that you don’t deserve anything better, and a fear of being alone, may cause you to stay in an unhealthy relationship even if you are being mistreated or abused.

People-pleasing Fear of being abandoned and alone, and the belief that others wouldn’t want to be close to you, can lead you to be quick to attach to even emotionally unavailable partners, and to do anything you can to make a relationship work.

You tend to ignore your own needs and act in people-pleasing ways to try and avoid rejection, which can lead to self-abandonment where you are so intent on pleasing the other person and meeting their needs that you let most or all of your own needs fall to the wayside and stop taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy.

Self-sabotaging behavior Deep down, you yearn to have a close, intimate relationship, but your fear of being abandoned or rejected causes you to act in self-sabotaging ways that undermine it and push the other person away before he or she has a chance to leave you first.

Clinginess Whereas many people with a fear of abandonment push potential partners away before they have a chance to get too close, to avoid the hurt of being the one rejected or abandoned, others react by being clingy. They constantly check in, are oversensitive to perceived slights, and feel threatened and jealous if their loved one spends time with other people.

Low self-esteem Fear of abandonment can lead to low self-esteem, a distorted perception of yourself as being unlovable or not good enough, and a lack of boundaries in relationships for fear of being rejected. You have trouble seeing yourself in a positive light; seek constant reassurance, approval, and external validation; are hypersensitive to criticism; and take any perceived sign of rejection as proof that your fears are justified.

Potential Causes of Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment can stem from any event that causes you to feel disconnected, rejected, or unable to count on others to be there for you in the way you need them to be. Typically, it is the result of an early childhood wound such as the loss of a parent, consistently unmet needs, lack of physical affection or emotional connection, or abuse.

It can develop later in life as well if, for instance, you are suddenly and unexpectedly left by a romantic partner, or you suffer the death or loss of a spouse who provided emotional support and companionship.

The following are three major underlying factors:

Childhood trauma The greatest contributor to fear of abandonment is losing a parent or primary caregiver in early childhood, which can lead to a deeply ingrained fear of losing other loved ones as well.

Having a primary caregiver who is unpredictable, acting lovingly one moment and then not the next; who is emotionally unavailable due to mental illness or substance abuse; or being mistreated by the one you depended on to love, care for you and protect you; can also lead to fear of abandonment, as well as instill deep rooted feelings of shame, insecurity, anxiety, and of being worthless and unlovable in your mind.

Unmet emotional needs Unmet emotional needs, such as the prolonged absence of emotional support and connection during early childhood, or in a romantic relationship as an adult, can lead you to feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant, yearn for emotional connection and validation, and develop a fear of abandonment and rejection.

Traumatic relationships Traumatic relationships characterized by instability, infidelity, physical or emotional rejection, or abuse can all contribute to a fear of being abandoned, as can a relationship that suddenly ends in an unexpected and upsetting way.

The memory of being abandoned by someone you loved and trusted can morph into thoughts of not having been good enough, being inadequate, and unworthy of love.

Truths From God’s Word to Hold on to for Comfort and Encouragement

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. – Hebrews 13:5b, NIV

No matter how well-intentioned the other person may be, God is the only one who can be counted on to fulfill the promise to never leave you or abandon you.

Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. – Psalm 27:10, NIV

Even though you may have been abandoned by your earthly parents, God will never abandon you. He hears your pain and promises to take care of you.

For your Maker is your husband – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. – Isaiah 54:5, NIV

Even if your spouse breaks his or her vows, you can find comfort in knowing that God never will.

Fear of abandonment does not have to be a part of your future. Though it may seem like an overwhelming struggle, you do not have to travel this path alone. Counseling can help you unpack and address what is at the roots of your fear, help you see things from a broader perspective, equip you with practical skills to deal with your issues, and provide support along the way.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with me or one of the other faith-based counselors in our online directory, please give us a call today. Your first appointment is risk-free.