What to Do About a Toxic Friendship: Addressing Codependency in Friendships

We all want to have friends that are there for us through thick and thin. We want to know that, no matter what, our best friend will have our back. The truth is, sometimes our best friend is our worst relationship. Codependency in friendships can create a relationship that is toxic to both people. Knowing how to identify the characteristics of codependency will help you and your friend create a healthy relationship.

Defining codependency in friendships

Not all friendships are codependent. If you feel there is an issue, it is helpful to understand what it means to be codependent. Having a close friend does not mean that friendship is codependent. Codependency is unhealthy in any relationship. God designed us to work together and be united. He gives us instructions about how to maintain healthy relationships. This included friendships.

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to live together in unity! – Psalms 133:1, NASB

Codependency exists in a friendship when one person is a giver, and the other is a taker. This happens when you and your friend forget who you are independent of each other. Rather than maintain who you are outside of your friendship you begin to feel as though the friendship defines you. It is great to have a friend who will be there in your time of need. But forgetting how to meet your own needs without them is detrimental.

Giver and taker

In most codependent friendships there are two roles: the giver and the taker. One needs rescuing and the other wants to fix it all. When these traits become the focal point of the friendship it can become toxic. In most friendships, there is a healthy trade of rescuing and fixing. When both parties can be a giver or a taker then the relationship is considered to be healthy. It is important to know the characteristics of each role in codependent friendships.

The giver

The giver of the codependent friendship is usually the one who wants to be sure the other friend is okay and has what they need. They are the friend who wants to have the answers. When you need rescuing, they are the ones that want to be your hero. They may require help in their own life, yet they don’t seek it from the other person in the friendship.

The giver may also feel emotionally depleted after making sure the other person’s needs have been met. While they want to be the ones to help, they forget that they also have needs. Putting your friend’s needs in front of your own is one of the biggest indicators that you are in a codependent friendship.

As a giver, you may have a hard time telling your friend no. The inability to set boundaries with friends is also indicative of codependency in friendships. This is evident when you feel guilty for not doing what your friend asks or needs.

The taker

The taker in the codependent friendship is the one who is always in need of something. They need to be rescued. They don’t know how to navigate circumstances without the guidance of the giver. This person needs a hero. A taker wants to be reassured they are a good person. When they are having a hard time, they look to the giver to make things easy. No matter what situation arises the taker will call the giver to find peace.

Along with needing someone to fix everything, a taker will make you feel as though you are responsible for their well-being. A taker will want you to feel bad if you don’t help them feel better. It’s a form of empathy that is unhealthy. When you can’t meet their expectations, the taker will make it seem as though you have failed them.

This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. – John 15:12, NASB

It goes both ways

In the codependent friendship, you will find behaviors that are exhibited by both people. Whether they are the giver or taker, each one of them will be invested in the friendship through emotions and need.

Jealousy

When one or the other sees that there is the possibility of another person becoming a friend, jealousy becomes an issue. There may be feelings of abandonment.

Need for the friendship

Codependency in friendships can create a sense of reliance on friendship to define self-esteem. The need for friendship evolves into a way to have needs met.

Loss of individuality

It doesn’t matter if you are the giver or taker, in a codependent friendship you will begin to feel like there is no you without the other person. You will find that your choices are not right unless the other person has the same ones. Emotions are also heavily shared when it comes to codependency in friendships. If one person is sad or angry so is the other person.

No other friends allowed

When two people are in a codependent friendship the likelihood of either person having any other friends is minimal. Codependent friendship only allows for two people. There is no changing the way things are because there are only two of you in the friendship.

Your true self is limited

There may be those who are two-dimensional in their friendship. To keep the friendship, you may find yourself hiding your beliefs or interests. This could be because the other person does not hold to these things the same way you do.

The same old thing

Codependency in friendships may also lead each person to always say/do the same thing. There is no flipping the script. It’s always the same problem that needs fixing and the fixer is always doing the same repair.

Becoming un-codependent

Removing codependency in friendships can be accomplished but it will take dedication. The need for a normal healthy friendship must outweigh the need for the friendship itself. A healthy friendship can only exist when both people are willing to remove the toxic traits. The first step is to recognize your part in the friendship. Then you must be willing to talk to your friend about what’s happening in the friendship.

Assess the friendship

To reflect on where you are in the friendship, take time away from the friendship. Try to identify what you are truly contributing to the friendship. Are you the taker or the giver? Assess what you feel the other person is contributing.

Expand your support system

Take time to take care of yourself. Seek a support system that will help you make the adjustments you need to create a healthy friendship.

Talk to your friend

When you feel like you understand what is going on approach your friend and share with them what you are feeling about the friendship.

Understand that the friendship may change

Once you bring to light that there may be toxicity in the friendship, it could cause a shift. Your friend may not be open to seeing what you see. Rather than create a healthy and balanced friendship, your friend may decide to leave.

Healthy friendships are not built around staying in one role. The best friendship is one that is equally balanced for both people. This also requires a certain amount of accountability for both people. Being able to discuss any issues that may lead to a codependent friendship is one of the foundations of a healthy friendship.

The Bible and friendships

God’s word gives us many examples of what it means to be a friend. He wants us to work together to create a healthy and whole life. Giving and taking should be mutual. These should give the friendship a sense of security. God designed us to be social but not dependent on each other. We are to depend on Him for guidance.

Treat people the same way you want them to treat you. – Luke 6:31, NASB

bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also. – Colossians 3:13, NASB

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. – Ecclesiastes 4:10, NASB

One who conceals an offense seeks love, But one who repeats a matter separates close friends. – Proverbs 17:9, NASB

Help for codependency in friendships

There may be times when you feel like you can’t get through the changes of removing codependency in friendships. Reach out to a Christian counselor in your area. They will be able to assist you in identifying what needs to be changed. You can also find a plan that will help you overcome your anxiety about what those changes will look like.