The Benefits of Premarital Counseling for Mature Couples

Typically, when people think of premarital counseling – a type of counseling where two members of a couple attend sessions together to prepare for marriage – they think of young lovers who are just starting out in life. However, premarital counseling has plenty to offer couples at a different, more mature life stage.

What Premarital Counseling in Vancouver, WA Covers

Premarital counseling can help couples who have previously been married learn what they bring to a new marriage. It might include hurt and pain from previous relationships, perspective shifts based on personal experiences, attitudes toward themselves and others, communication barriers, and strengths of communication.

Or suppose you’re becoming a later-in-life spouse for the first time. In that case, premarital counseling can help you see how your perspectives have been influenced by your family of origin, your experiences with counseling or therapy, your life experiences and career, and your lifestyle, such as having lived alone most of your adult life or having had roommates.

Some of what you will talk about are roles and responsibilities, which may seem small now but can have a tremendous impact on a marriage over time. It may also help you explore where you and your betrothed line up as far as personal values, priorities, financial habits, and family decisions are concerned.

Six Benefits

Here are six benefits of seeking premarital counseling at mature life stages.

You gain a shared “language” that you can use throughout the length of your marriage

This may seem obvious, but we all communicate differently, and having a few common phrases that bring you both back to neutral ground can be key to having healthy disagreements. While no married couple wants to anticipate arguments, it is unrealistic to expect you’ll never fight.

Your counselor in Vancouver, Washington can help you find phrases to help you restore marital peace when you’re in the midst of a tense moment.

Imagine the scene. You say something to your spouse that immediately brings up their defensive side. Learning how your spouse “hears” you, which almost always relates to his or her experiences in early life, is valuable.

As both of you understand what the other person’s communication triggers are, you can decide on mutually beneficial – and ideally neutral – language to help when you need to discuss something that could potentially bring up old fears and insecurities.

You may develop more empathy for each other based on learning how one another’s families of origin impact each other’s motives, beliefs, values, and behavior

So much of how we respond in life is based on our assumptions and personal perceptions. Of course, personality plays a role, but our understanding of another person grows immensely when we learn about how the other person views himself and the world around him.

Learning why your partner does what he does, or says something the way he says it, can go a long way to diffuse your anger during tense discussions and vice versa. This type of growth can also strengthen your relationship because it creates a bond of intimacy that few people in life share – usually reserved for spouses and, sometimes, parents and children.

You find common values and expectations that help you remember to enjoy each other’s friendship first

It’s easy to feel connected when you’re first falling in love, no matter your age. But especially if you’re in a second marriage or you are marrying later in life, some of the must-haves in a marital partner can be sidestepped for those butterfly-like feelings if you aren’t careful.

Premarital counseling in Vancouver, Washington helps you look at your connection points that revolve more around friendship than feelings. For example, if you are in a relationship where you struggle to have conversation topics or mutual interests, it can seem like a wrong fit. However, it’s not necessarily the case.

A strong counselor can help you discover more about yourselves and how you might interact over the long term, based on more than just shared hobbies. You may be a runner, and your spouse isn’t, and you may enjoy outdoor activities, while your partner likes to stay inside. These are not deal-breakers when it comes to marital satisfaction.

Premarital counseling in Vancouver can help you explore your friendship-related expectations by asking good questions. They may ask how many friends outside of marriage are important to you, whether or not it will bother you if your spouse has friends of the opposite gender, and even what your expectations of a friend are. In many cases, these are the same expectations you’ll return to in marriage.

For instance, you may expect a close friend to be available to “take an adventure” at the first sign of spring, or you might think nothing of waiting weeks between phone calls with one of your current friends. But if your spouse expects friends to have deep, thoughtful conversations several nights a week, it’s good to know that upfront.

Where you each differ in your friendship expectations and habits, you can talk through those in the presence of a counselor. You’ll also likely discover that some of your expectations are similar.

Just because you’re an extrovert who wants to spend time outside doesn’t mean your partner wouldn’t also want to be outdoors for certain activities. Whereas you may enjoy outdoor athletic activities, your partner may enjoy outdoor historical tours, concerts, and discovering new small towns.

As you each find out about your friendship expectations and where your leisure time preferences intersect, you can plan activities that you both enjoy to keep your friendship going strong.

Premarital counseling may make it easier to ask for help later if marital issues arise

Many couples, regardless of age, who seek premarital counseling find that asking for help from a counselor or trained therapist comes easier later. Imagine premarital counseling like a seed that takes root.

If you water a seed and plant it in healthy soil, it roots well and grows a healthy stem and, eventually, a plant or flower. But what if drought hits the area where the healthy plant is rooted? What if it goes through an unusually rainy season, or if a gardener forgets to trim it regularly?

All of these can impact whether the plant remains healthy. But the roots that were cared for early on? They’ll likely be just fine – and that’s how premarital counseling is.

Taking care of your marriage before it starts helps you know when something is “off” and how to access help from a counselor if and when you need it in the future.

Undergoing seasons of transition such as a job change, a new season of life, or a relocation can all impact a marriage, so it’s helpful to know that seeing a counselor doesn’t have to signify danger or that you’re headed for disaster. It just means you may need to revisit some of the tools you learned in premarital counseling and apply them to your new situation.

It’s much easier to pursue that step when you’ve already met with a counselor before.

It helps you get to know yourself better

Even though the communication skills you’ll gain in premarital counseling are helpful, one of the huge takeaways is learning more about yourself. You may think, “I’m older, wiser, and I know myself just fine,” which is likely truer of you now than when you were in your late 20s or early 30s.

However, learning how you respond in situations, what others perceive about you, or even simple preferences can go a long way toward marital bliss. It allows you to assess areas of expectation, not just for yourself but also for your spouse.

If you don’t know yourself well, you may unknowingly present a false version of who you are to your fiancée. That does not bode well when, a few years later, the expectations are met with reality and you’re both dissatisfied.

It helps you recognize and parcel fantasy from reality

Let’s be honest. When you come into married life as an older adult or after a previous long-term relationship, you bring a few more life experiences. But you also bring to the table a wealth of skill sets, mindsets, and values.

You likely have a better understanding of what you want than you did when you were younger – in career, planning for the future, family life, etc.

Premarital counseling lets you look at the other person through the lens of authentic care and concern. You can ask yourself hard questions, but they’re much better to ask yourself before marriage rather than after.

Looking at your would-be spouse through the viewpoint of “Who is he/she right now?” helps you understand that, yes, people can change, but not everyone will. Most of us change slowly and slightly over time.

But some people think they’re great as-is and don’t see a reason to be transformed. Premarital counseling helps you make an accurate assessment of your partner in real life. With a real job, real responsibilities, real disappointments and conflicts, and real commitments.

You can both look at what will be best for each of you and decide if you’re going to be better together or apart. If you sense that you or your partner would benefit from more growing time, or having a certain series of life experiences before you get married, now is the time to make that change happen, not later.

You could still be right for each other; maybe your timing is off, you each need to live your own life for a while, and you’ll reconsider after a period of goal-setting and soul-searching.

Or the realistic viewpoint may help you make a mutual eyes-wide-open decision between two agreeable adults. This is the healthiest way to enter a marriage, and premarital counseling in Vancouver can help you get there.

Contact our office today at Vancouver Christian Counseling in Washington to find a premarital couples counselor in Vancouver.