Facing an Empty Nest: Marriage Advice for a Change In Seasons

When you’re married to someone for a while, it’s fair to say that the marriage you got into and the one you’re in now aren’t necessarily the same thing. That probably requires an explanation. A marriage is a living and breathing thing, and as you change, the marriage changes too. Sure, on paper you’re still married to the same person, but people grow and change, as do their needs and outlook.

This amounts to the reality that who you are as a couple in your first year of marriage, and who you are when you’re in your twentieth or twenty-fifth year of marriage won’t be the same. You’ve grown as people, and you’ve grown in understanding each other. Your marriage has weathered storms, and hopefully, you’ve emerged stronger and better for it. What you need and want out of life at age fifty isn’t the same as when you were thirty-five.

For a healthy and successful marriage, you and your spouse need to be adaptable, communicate your needs effectively, and have the continued willingness to love each other through the seasons your marriage goes through. When a marriage enters the “empty nest” stage, it may bring its own challenges for the couple. You can navigate it successfully and maintain a strong and joyful marriage.

Facing The Empty Nest

An empty nest. This is when a couple has kids who become old enough to leave home and take care of themselves. Having an empty nest is a milestone of sorts, because it means you’ve managed to get through the diapers, terrible twos, the teenage angst, and the college phase. You’ve parented your kids toward self-sufficiency, and they are out and about on their own in the world as (hopefully) functional and productive adults.

Getting to an empty nest often happens gradually, and not all at once. As your kids get older, they gain independence and can get themselves to and from school and their extracurricular activities. You may need to start coordinating schedules with them for family events as they start making plans for themselves with friends. Slowly but surely, they start building a life of their own and start edging out of the nest.

Apart from getting to an empty nest in this gradual and natural way, an empty nest can also occur through loss and relationship breakdown. Parents and their children can have a deep and unresolved conflict that leads to the child(ren) moving out and leaving home. In other, tragic circumstances, parents may lose their child and be forced suddenly to contend with the reality of not having their child around, along with the grief of the permanence of that loss.

In these and other ways, a couple is faced with no longer parenting young children that need constant supervision, but adults that can take care of themselves. Having an empty nest doesn’t mean that one stops being a parent, however; it does mean that how you parent changes, and it also means that your marriage isn’t largely taken up with raising your children.

The Challenges of a Marriage with an Empty Nest

For many couples, the thought of an empty nest is a welcome one. It means that the children are no longer underfoot, they are largely responsible for themselves financially, and you have more time and money on your hands to spend on the things you couldn’t do before. For others, the thought of the kids leaving home is hard to bear and it’s a source of grief. Sometimes one spouse feels one way, while the other feels completely differently about it.

There are some challenges of an empty nest marriage, and these can include the following:

Adjusting to a new relationship dynamic

The absence of children from the home can leave a palpable void, and this draws on couples to redefine their relationship away from being centered on the children, and for them to find new ways to connect.

Loss of shared purpose

Raising children often provides a sense of shared purpose for a couple. Without this shared purpose, a couple may feel listless and disconnected from one another.

An increased focus on marital issues

When the distractions of parenting are gone, underlying marital issues that may have been set aside previously may come to the forefront with a greater sense of urgency.

Changes in communication patterns

Couples may need to relearn how to communicate effectively with one another without the buffer of childrearing. Additionally, parenting children who are adults and out of the home looks different from parenting younger children at home. Some adjustments in parenting style may also be necessary to navigate this new season of parenting well.

Rediscovering intimacy

Empty nesters may find that they need to rekindle their romantic connection and find new ways to maintain intimacy. With more time and capacity, there are more opportunities to connect meaningfully, and a couple may find that they need to explore who they are anew.

Coping with feelings of loss and grief

When the children leave, their departure can evoke strong emotions such as grief, requiring couples to support each other through the transition and beyond it.

Finding new and shared interests

In line with rediscovering intimacy, empty nesters may find it helpful to explore new hobbies and interests together to maintain a sense of connection in this new season of life. With more time on their hands, ostensibly, they can explore things they may not have had a chance to.

Navigating changes in roles and responsibilities

The shift from full-time parenting to becoming empty nesters can necessitate adjustments in household responsibilities and roles. Not only that, but empty nesters may also need to take the time to explore new passions and interests to maintain a sense of fulfillment and identity outside of parenting.

Managing finances and planning for the future

Couples in this new phase of life may need to pause and reassess their financial priorities and plan for retirement and getting old together. Some of these priorities may have been set aside to take care of more immediate concerns like childcare, saving up for college, and so on.

Every marriage is unique, and the path to an empty nest won’t look the same for every couple. As a result, the challenges of a marriage in that empty nest season can vary depending on that couple’s specific circumstances. Some couples will feel the absence of their children acutely, especially if the change is sudden or drastically different.

Growing Together in Your Marriage

A marriage is a living and growing thing, and it will experience changes such as the children leaving the home in various ways. The couple and their children can and should maintain a healthy relationship, which will likely look different from when they were at home full-time. It can include fresh conversations about boundaries, and becoming more like mentors, coaches, and cheerleaders to those adult children.

For the couple themselves, it helps to remain aware that their marriage has changed with time, just as they have as individuals. Needs change, and these include the need for emotional connection and support, as well as one’s need for physical intimacy and support. As one gets older, health concerns crop up, and these create different limitations and needs that require accommodation and compassion, to name a few.

The couple should be willing to walk together as they renegotiate their identity as a couple with older and more independent children. Through open and vulnerable communication, a couple can make each other aware of their changing needs and areas of uncertainty or even anxiety. Through empathic listening, they can draw nearer to one another to meet those needs where possible.

Additionally, with a willingness to adapt to the changes wrought by the children leaving the home, a couple can successfully navigate this transition and strengthen their relationship. Talking with someone like a counselor can be helpful for the couple as they process the emotions and thoughts brought about by these changes in their relationship and situation.

A counselor can help the couple nurture the skills necessary to love each other well in this season. If that counsel is something you would like to learn more about, give our office a call today.