Divorce in the Bible: When Can Christians Get a Divorce?

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. – Matt. 19:8

I’ve often heard Christians ask if God allows divorce. When you read Matthew 19 where Jesus talks about divorce, He says in the beginning it was that God created them men and women, and for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. Then the Pharisees asked about the Law of Moses. Jesus said it was because of the hardness of their hearts that they got a divorce.

As a Christian and Christian marriage and family therapist, I have seen marriages survive affairs, loss of children, loss of jobs, and loss of homes through fires. However, I have never seen a marriage survive the hardness of heart. God understands that when someone’s heart is hard toward you, it is unsafe for you to stay in the marriage.

When a couple comes in for counseling, I will see each of them separately and ask the following question.” If this person were not your spouse would you want them for your friend? This question is simple, but it does give me an insight into their heart. If the person answers “yes, I love my spouse, I admire my spouse and I would want them for a friend.” Then I know that there is hope for this relationship.

If the spouse responds with “No, I don’t like this person. I don’t want to be around this person,” then I realize that the relationship is dead. The marriage may stay together, but it will not have the liveliness that feeds a healthy marriage.

Taking Matthew 19 in context we see that right before Jesus answers the question of divorce, He is telling parables about how forgiveness applies in relationship to the kingdoms of Heaven. Looking at the end of Matthew 18, Jesus tells an interesting story about an unforgiving servant. The story goes something like this.

A king decided that he needed to reconcile his accounts. So he brought together all the people who owed him money. Among those with a man who owed the king, a lot of money. When the man wasn’t able to pay the king ordered the man to be thrown into the prison.

However, the poor man begged the king to set him free. Saying that he promised to pay the King everything he owed him if he just gave him more time. The king had mercy on the poor servant, and not only set him free but canceled his entire debt.

The servant went out, happy that his date was canceled. And on his way out, the door came across a man who owed him a few bucks. The servant began to choke to man, saying, give me my money back or I’m going to throw you in jail! The man begged him to have mercy, but the servant had no mercy and had the man thrown in jail until he was able to pay him back the little bit of money he owed him.

When the king heard what the servant had done, he was enraged and had that servant thrown into jail until he could pay everything back. Jesus said this is what it’s going to be like for you if you do not forgive.

Jesus is saying that however much you think you have forgiven someone, God has forgiven you more. You may be asking how this applies to marriage. Simply put, if you don’t forgive your spouse from your heart, figuratively speaking, you are placing your spouse in debtor’s prison where they will stay until you decide that they have paid you back.

When you are married to a hard-hearted spouse, you may be thinking that all you need to do is put in a little more effort, or make one more change and then things will get better. I don’t know how to say this more clearly: your best efforts will never be enough!

Returning to the analogy of the debtor’s prison, listed are five traits that are common when a hard heart is an issue.

1. Does your spouse determine if an apology is “ good enough”?

This is the classic case of your spouse expecting you to apologize, and will then determine if your apology is sincere. You may find yourself choosing your words carefully so that you can check all the boxes that require your spouse to accept your apology. You are expected to apologize often and thoroughly. However, your spouse rarely if ever apologizes to you.

2. Does your spouse determine if your behavior is “good enough”?

Sometimes when we are in a hard-hearted relationship, personal habits that seem all right or even cute at first, become a nuisance. If you find that your spouse is just irritated by what you do, or say or how you behave in situations, this is evidence of a hard heart. You may have tried to change your behavior, but quickly realize that no matter what you do, you have done something wrong.

3. Does your spouse redefine the goals that he/she has asked you to achieve?

Often a hard-hearted spouse will set a goal for you to accomplish to please him/her. However, when you think you have accomplished the goal, your spouse will inform you that you have not accomplished it. An example of this may be that your spouse asks you to make a certain amount of money, but when you reach that goal your spouse will inform you that you need to make more money and work more hours. Once again, your best is not good enough.

4. Your spouse sets rules for you that don’t apply to him/her.

As you have probably already guessed, none of the rules that your spouse sets for you apply to them. If you ask things of your spouse that he/she has asked of you, the response is often anger and repulsion. After all your spouse is the judge of you, not the other way around.

5. Your spouse does not find value in what you have accomplished or achieved.

It doesn’t matter what you have accomplished in your marriage, your spouse doesn’t value it. You may notice that you play down your accomplishments so that your spouse doesn’t become offended by your success. Your spouse may take it upon themselves to keep you humble so you won’t think too highly of yourself.

You may notice that the traits above have narcissistic qualities or are found in abusive relationships. You are correct. Living with someone whose heart is hard can be abusive. If the traits above describe your relationship you may need to spend some time in prayer to determine if staying in the relationship is physically emotionally or spiritually safe. If you feel that hardness of heart describes your relationship with your spouse here are some things you can do.

Reach out to trusted friends or family.

Ask them for an honest description of your relationship. They say love is blind. We often enter into relationships thinking that things will get better over time. Our spouse will see that our relationship is strong and relax into it.

However, most of the time, the opposite happens. Our spouses become more controlling and more demanding of us. Through speaking to someone you trust, you can have an outside perspective on your relationship.

Spend time in prayer.

Ask God for wisdom and understanding of your relationship. Living with someone whose heart is hard toward you is confusing and painful. We often feel that if we can just trust God more, or be a Proverbs 31 woman or Godly man, our spouse’s heart will change toward us.

This is not the issue. Your spouse is responsible for his/her own heart condition. All of your efforts will not change their heart. Their change of heart comes from your spouse’s repentant spirit and attitude toward God.

Reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

This is a painful reality, and you are going to need support to get through it. Spending time talking to a mental health professional will help you clarify in your own heart and mind what you need to do.

A last encouragement.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:15-16

Whether you find yourself trapped in a marriage with a spouse whose heart is hard toward you or if your heart is hard toward your spouse, choosing to dissolve a marriage is a difficult choice. It is important to remember that Jesus empathizes with your struggle. Our merciful God does offer you a way out of painful relationships.