Couples Counseling: When You Feel Unappreciated in Your Marriage

We all have expectations of others. For example, if we open a door for someone, we assume they will at least say thank you. Most of these expectations are pleasantries and dictated by our culture’s social norms. But when we start putting expectations on our romantic relationships that go beyond the confines of typical social niceties, it can become detrimental to those relationships and our overall happiness. This is where couples counseling can help.

If you’re reading this, I suspect you would change a few things in your marriage if you could, namely being more appreciated. But just because you feel this way doesn’t mean your marriage is over or the love is gone.

If you’re feeling unappreciated, it could mean that you need to change your perspective, some boundaries need to be established, or communication needs to be improved.

If you could turn back time…

The desire to turn back time is more than a song title. Many married couples wish they could turn back the clock to a time before they were married so they could establish boundaries, ask questions, and make more informed decisions. But since this isn’t a sci-fi book, you can’t.

If you could, you would likely make some changes in your relationship. If you feel that way, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse or that you regret marrying them, but it does mean that maybe it’s time to rethink and rework some of the dynamics of your relationship.

Where do I go from here?

I’m glad you asked. There are a few ways to help you feel more loved by your spouse. Some are internal, meaning they must originate from within you, and some are external, meaning that they might come from outside sources. Since you can’t control anyone but yourself, let’s start with what you can do right now, to improve your relationship.

Be realistic and forgiving

It’s hard not to have hurt feelings when you do something for your partner that doesn’t seem valued by them. If you have spent time and effort picking out the perfect birthday gift and then felt underappreciated when your spouse didn’t react in the way you had hoped, it’s bound to hurt your feelings.

But is it really their fault? Of course, it is always polite to say “thank you” when you receive a gift and it’s even nicer to comment positively and give a genuine sign of appreciation. But realize this: their reaction is not your responsibility, nor should it be the goal. Your desire to be praised and appreciated is not the right reason to give the gift. The gift should make them feel special, not you.

Generosity is not a tool to stroke your own ego; it is meant to be selfless. So, when you give that gift that you feel would knock your spouse’s socks off only to find that it has fallen short, realize that the responsibility to babysit your emotions is not part of the package (even if it’s wrapped up in a fancy bow). Your generosity in giving the gift should also be extended to offering grace in how they react when they receive it.

The old saying, “Don’t give to get” can be applied here. Don’t give a gift to your spouse expecting a certain reaction in return. If you keep getting neutral reactions to your gifts, maybe it’s time to discuss the types of gifts they like or how you could make them feel more appreciated and loved. Chances are, they would take the opportunity to ask you the same questions.

Change your perspective

Picture this: you spend an entire day cooking your husband’s favorite meal and after he eats, he gives you a quick thank you before falling asleep in front of the television. You feel underappreciated which can also make you feel unloved.

If you were to look at the same situation from your husband’s perspective, it might look very different. Maybe your husband has spent the whole day in a stressful job and is exhausted from dealing with people and their expectations of him. When he comes home, he wants to relax and not be expected to make small talk. He falls asleep because he finally relaxes and feels appreciated and loved in his peaceful home.

Don’t assume that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you just because they don’t say it in a way that you expect. In our scenario, the husband is showing his wife appreciation by going to work and providing for her and their family.

While in an ideal world, he would verbally thank her for making his favorite meal, the lack thereof does not indicate a lack of appreciation. In the same way, the wife should thank her husband for his contribution to their family. In other words, it’s not all about you.

Learn the language

If you haven’t learned what your love language is, taking an online test or asking your therapist can help you determine what things make you feel loved. Learning how you give and receive love can be a relationship game-changer.

Knowing your spouse’s love language is equally important. You could give your spouse a hundred jars of pickles, but if you’re the only one in the house who likes pickles, the gift might fall flat. Or you could mow the lawn as a thoughtful act of service, but if what they crave is quality time with you, the gesture might miss the mark.

Knowing each other’s love language helps ensure that the way you express love is meaningful to them. When your gift matches what truly speaks to their heart, it becomes much more than just a nice gesture – it becomes an act of love that genuinely connects.

Communicate openly and kindly

Many people think that their spouse should instinctively know what they need, but your spouse is not a mind reader. Instead of harboring anger or resentment for what they don’t say or do, take a more thoughtful approach. Initiate a conversation about how you feel. Avoid accusatory language which can feel like criticism and frame your needs instead.

Use phrases like, “I feel loved when…” or “I don’t feel loved when…” This puts the focus on you and doesn’t blame them. This type of communication builds teamwork instead of division and helps you to work toward a common goal.

Work on your relationship with God and yourself

Feeling appreciated in marriage is wonderful and important, but it’s unrealistic and unsustainable to make your sense of worth dependent on someone else’s reactions to you. You need to find your identity in Christ, which is an all-enduring and sustainable relationship.

Work on developing your own sources of joy through hobbies and spending time with friends. Seek therapy from a professional Christian counselor to help you connect with your Creator and find your identity in Him rather than seeking validation from others.

In the end, feeling appreciated starts with knowing yourself, finding your identity in Christ, and expressing your needs. Just remember that sometimes feeling unappreciated comes from misinterpreting our partner’s behavior or mistaking a lack of praise for a lack of love.

Just as you may want appreciation, your spouse may also feel that they’re giving love in ways that aren’t noticed or acknowledged by you. Does it sting when you look at it from that perspective?

When we take a moment to view their actions through a lens of gratitude, we start seeing the unspoken ways our partner expresses appreciation, love, and dedication to us and the marriage. This shift in perspective can make a big difference in how you view your partner and your relationship.

Finding Support Through Couples Counseling

To learn more about how couples counseling can help you show appreciation to your spouse and feel more appreciated by them, contact our office today.

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