5 Ways Divorced Couples Can Navigate Step-parenting

Divorce weighs heavily on every person involved. This may not be well known to many people because divorce is more common now than at any other time in history. Both children and couples are deeply impacted by divorce. A divorced person who remarries has the extra burden of navigating being a stepparent. Step-parenting can come with its own set of challenges.

Couples who don’t deal with their emotional baggage will bring it into the next relationship. This will spill over into the way they parent their stepchildren. Stepchildren may also deal with their emotional baggage and resist the stepparent’s authority and discipline. This can create a burden that can weigh heavily on both stepparent and stepchildren.

Navigating Step-parenting

Here are five ways divorced couples can navigate step-parenting:

Don’t take it personally

The most important thing a stepparent can do when parenting stepchildren is not to take their attitude personally. Stepchildren are dealing with their own set of pain because no matter how dysfunctional a married relationship can be, children would prefer their biological parents to stay together than for them to divorce and have a new person who is not their parent to live with – and discipline – them.

It is easy for a stepparent to take a stepchild’s rebellion personally because a stepparent is dealing with the emotional baggage from their divorce. Yet, parents need to deal with their baggage and not assume a child’s pain is their baggage to carry.

Don’t act like their parent

Another mistake stepparents make is they try to be a parent. This alienates them from their stepchildren. Their stepchildren have learned that their biological mother and father are the ones who have authority over their lives. Therefore, not only will they resent you for breaking up their parents’ marriage (even if you had nothing to do with it), but also that you want to be their new parent. This will cause them to rebel and create strife whenever disciplinary action is necessary.

While it’s important to correct any destructive or harmful behavior, either to them or to you, it’s best to let the biological parents do the parenting. This eliminates their angst over you trying to be another parent to them and increases the chances that you will bond with your stepchild as they feel they can talk openly about issues in their lives.

Lend a listening ear and let them know you are there for them. Let them know that you will be there to listen and confidently keep what they say (within reason.) This will help open the gateway for them to speak freely and know they can get a parent’s advice without punishment or retribution.

Don’t be their friend

In the same way, it’s important not to be their friend. Being friends will open the door for them to take advantage of you. This will not be good for their view of authority figures. By becoming their friend, you send a message that anyone who’s not their parent who’s an adult can be a friend to them.

Adults must be authority figures before they’re friends. If the choice comes down to condoning harmful behavior or stopping them from harming themselves, an adult must always choose the way that helps the child be in a safe and secure environment.

Being there to listen to them does not necessarily mean you are their friend. It means you are there to dispense advice and listen to their problems. Sometimes, they need someone to help them process their pain and emotions regarding an issue. Although teens may not act like it, they still need adult figures to tell them how to navigate the difficulties of adolescence.

Even though times are different than just a few decades ago, teens still want to hear a parent’s opinion on the issues plaguing them today. Even when they choose to make fun of their parents because they’re too old or don’t understand their language, they still want someone to help them navigate life. It comforts teens to know they can go to someone other than their parents to discuss things.

Be the listening ear they need, dispense advice only when necessary, and ask clarifying questions. If something comes up that needs to be addressed with the biological parents, be forthright and let them know you will have to let their parents know. Telling a parent without the teen’s knowledge will only alienate them from you further and possibly destroy your relationship.

Be a safe person for a teen to turn to, but do not try to win their approval by condoning lousy behavior or allowing them free reign in your home. It may make you feel good in the short term, but in the long- term, they will resent you.

Get help from others

As with any parenting situation, you may need to enlist the help of others to help you see it through. If you’re having a difficult time with your teen, enlist the help of wise counsel from your church or friends who can be praying for you regarding your situation. We were never meant to do any part of our lives alone. Yet, because we work alone, live alone, and go to church alone, we often feel we can do life alone.

Surround yourself with people who either had teens or have teens now. The support and encouragement you receive will be a great help to you during the times when it is most challenging to be a stepparent.

More than likely, the people in your community will have either been through this or know someone who has. They may offer wise advice that you have yet to consider. Additionally, they may help you learn to navigate being a stepparent in ways you have not tried before.

Listen to your peers and people who have been around the block. The people you surround yourself with will likely have made mistakes in this area and don’t want you to make the same mistakes. Listen carefully and heed their advice. It will help you in the end and increase your chances of having a healthy, blended family relationship.

Seek advice from mom

An excellent way to ease the tension between the biological parents and yourself is to seek their advice. Although there may be no way to achieve peace in your relationship, trying doesn’t hurt. Reach out and ask for help when necessary.

Communicate about the child to the biological parent without violating their confidentiality. Ask them what they would do in their situation. Ask them for tips or strategies to help navigate a teen’s bad attitude, motivate a lazy teen, or help them decide on the right career path. While there may be nothing you can do to make peace, it doesn’t hurt to try.

The biological parent may feel alienated because you are now in the picture. They may also feel they are not needed anymore because there is another parent in the home. Asking for their help makes them feel needed and like they are still a part of the family.

If the situation becomes too volatile, cut it off. But if the biological parent can remain at peace with you, seek to be at peace by soliciting advice or bouncing ideas off the other parent. This will communicate continued respect and admiration for their role in their child’s life up until now.

Step-parenting, like any parenting, can be difficult. As with any relationship, seek the advice of the biological parent when necessary and surround yourself with a community that will support you during this time. Everyone needs help navigating step-parenting. Allow the people God has placed in your path to help you as you navigate this new transition in life.

Step-Parenting Support Via Christian Counseling in Vancouver, WA

Would you like more direction in your step-parenting than this article can provide? Contact our office at Vancouver Christian Counseling in Washington to set up an appointment with a counselor in Vancouver who can walk you through this complicated time.