Finding Support for Your Sexless Marriage

I grew up in a Christian home. My family attended church each Sunday, and when I became a teenager, I joined the Wednesday night youth group. It was there that I learned important things about sex. I can sum up everything I learned in three words. “Don’t do it!” Somehow, if you stay away from engaging in sex and never talk about it, it all just magically works out when you get married. Many Christians I know have had the same experience.

It can be quite a shock when you realize that your Christian spouse, the one who has a heart for God and has vowed to love you, has a different expectation of sex than you do. It is at this point people often wish that they had discussed sexual intimacy with a therapist before they were married, or even engaged.

Instead, you realize that you have been in an unhealthy marriage relationship for a while, and it went unnoticed until sexual intimacy either slowed way down or just stopped.

What is a sexless marriage?

A sexless marriage is defined as two people who are married to each other and have had infrequent sexual intimacy or no sexual intimacy at all in the past year. Some studies suggest that in the United States, 15-20% of marriages are sexless. As couples age, the percentage goes up to around 92% of couples over sixty-five reporting sexless marriages.

Reasons for sexless marriages

There are various reasons for a sexless marriage. Health concerns as well as mental health and lifestyle can all affect a couple’s desire or ability to engage in sexual intimacy.

Health concerns

Some of the common health concerns that disrupt a couple’s sex life are childbirth, menopause cancer, autoimmune disorders, differences in libido, and improper hygiene.

When healthy marriages experience a health crisis, there will be a change in sexual intimate interactions. However, when the crisis is over, the couple will once again re-engage in sexual intimacy. The couple will have made the necessary adjustments and will continue to enjoy the physical intimacy that sex provides.

When the relationship between the spouses is not healthy, the health concern becomes an intimacy crisis. Often in these marriages, the physical intimacy is cut off and the couple stops having sex, altogether. When the health crisis is over, the previous sexual connection that the couple had is abandoned. The couple in this marriage is not able to make the necessary adjustments to reestablish the sexual bond.

There are times when a couple struggles to establish sexual intimacy at the beginning of the marriage. This often occurs when one of the partners does not seem to have a sex drive also referred to as a low libido.

This can be caused by medications or other conditions of atrophy that affect the sex organs. Even so, when the couple has a healthy relationship, they will adjust so that each of the spouses can feel sexually fulfilled and not overwhelmed.

Mental health

Mental health issues can also contribute to a sexless marriage. Anger, depression, irrational sexual behaviors, pornography, and unresolved trauma, are just a few of the things that can disrupt a couple’s sexual encounters and erode intimacy.

Anger can be an emotion that arises in sexual encounters between spouses. This is often due to unresolved childhood issues, traumas, and abuse. Usually, the spouse who has suffered the trauma may not be aware that anger is triggered during physical intimate interactions.

Depression can also affect a spouse’s libido. Any type of loss that causes grief can affect the libido and frequency of sexual intimacy. This can be the loss of a loved one, or job, or just an unwelcome change in a person’s living condition.

Irrational sexual behavior can cause great damage to the structure of the relationship by undermining safety. This can include one spouse continuing to ask to experiment with sexual play after the partner has said no. This can also include requesting sex frequently. This type of behavior ends up making the unwilling partner feel like an object for pleasure and not a participant in a mutual intimate relationship.

Pornography is dangerous. Yes, it is, and I will say it again. Pornography will break a relationship through using sex as a tool to express power and aggression. This is true for men and women alike.

When a spouse uses porn to satisfy sexual needs instead of working to meet the need within the relationship, the sexual bond is broken as if there were an affair. Another damaging thing about porn is that it objectifies others. The spouse that watches porn will end up either consciously or not recreating the same dynamic of the film. This makes the other partner feel used and exposed and can lead to a sexless marriage.

I must mention marital rape. When anger and power are present in a sexual encounter, rape can be the result. When a spouse is caught in any sexual interaction that is not consensual, it is rape. Reestablishing safety in the marital union after rape is difficult.

Lifestyle

As couples continue through life’s stages, lifestyle can cause disruptions in the frequency of sexual intimacy. Work schedules, children, and other shifts in lifestyle create additional stresses that result in a lack of energy.

When a couple is healthy, and communicating clearly, they gain the skills to navigate through the different stressors of life. The relationship is valued, and each partner understands how preserving sexual intimacy is an important element to the marital bond.

Religious reasons

There are also instances where a spouse will cite religious reasons for not engaging in sexual intimacy. If the religious view is not shared by both partners, this can come as quite a surprise. It may be that the spouse has reconnected with a former spirituality and feels that sex is no longer desirable due to spiritual development. It can also come from a spouse converting to a new religion and wanting to follow new religious or spiritual principles.

Five ways to help reconnect

Learn to listen

We often make assumptions about our spouses, and this makes sense. After being married for a while, you probably know a few of your spouse’s favorite things and least favorite things. You can accurately predict the response your spouse will give you when you do or say something, and it is so cute when you can finish each other’s sentences.

Actually, that may not be cute at all. The habit of predicting our spouse’s response to the point that we stop sharing with them results in a communication breakdown. When you ask your spouse a question, carefully listen to the response. If you learn to listen to them you may learn something new.

Your spouse may not be giving you the response you want, but please refrain from arguing. By learning to listen well, you can continue to strengthen your relationship. Having honest and healing conversations begins with safe and clear communication which can help heal a sexless marriage.

Healthy relationships are based on honesty and honesty takes courage

It is important to make an honest evaluation of resentments and acknowledge the resentments that you have toward your spouse.

The spouse with a lower desire for sexual intimacy may feel resentment due to feeling pressured to perform sexually. The spouse with the higher libido may have feelings of resentment for being abandoned. Both may be feeling resentful for being unloved by the other.

Addressing the past often helps spouses understand each other

Childhood trauma factors into how we develop psychosexually. The quality of relationships that we have with our mothers and fathers will indeed affect our expectations of marriage. When spouses can share childhood experiences in safety, healing can be promoted.

Make it about more than an orgasm

Sexual intimacy can be quite broad. Looking at the Song of Solomon it is clear that sexual intimacy involves the whole being, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Learning to fix your adoration on your spouse. When we use loving and kind words, soft caresses, and gaze into the eyes of our beloved, we are engaging in sexual intimacy.

Get into your body and out of your head

If you feel safe enough to sit closely to your spouse, close your eyes and see how your body is responding. It usually takes practice to turn off your brain and let your body teach you about sexual intimacy. If your mind wanders, bring your thoughts back to the present and what your body is physically feeling.

Check in often with your spouse and let your spouse share what their experience is as well. This way each interaction can be pleasurable for both. Frequent check-ins are important in sexual intimacy. Let your spouse know immediately if your body becomes uncomfortable. Keeping your communication clear and loving will create a safe atmosphere to enjoy each other sexually.

This may seem like a lot for many couples. If you feel that your relationship could use some help or if your discussions regarding sexual intimacy are not productive, it is time to seek professional help. Talking with a trained counselor or therapist can help you and your partner navigate the pain of a sexless marriage by establishing safe and healthy communication.

A professional can also help educate you about issues that are affecting your sex life and help you work through them. If you are ready to marry someone and you have not yet discussed expectations and attitudes about sexual intimacy, now is the time. There are many roadblocks but once removed you will be on the path of healthy sexual intimacy.