4 Tips for Dealing with Ongoing Anger Issues

Most people have had at least one brush with anger in their lives, whether they’ve felt it themselves, or witnessed someone else feeling and expressing anger. There are plenty of things in this world that are worth becoming legitimately angry over, but people also get angry over things and in sinful ways.

Anger can intrude in our lives unawares, as when a stranger erupts at us (or we erupt at a stranger) in a road rage incident, or it may be something that’s a constant and unwelcome presence in your life. Being able to deal with anger issues, whether our own or those of our loved ones, is a skill that will help our relationships flourish.

What do anger issues look like?

What’s the difference between being angry, and having anger issues? Is it about the duration of your anger? Is it about what gets you angry? Is it about what happens and what you do when you get angry?

“Anger issues” are a little bit about all the above. A person who has issues with anger may or may not be aware of them, but it’s more likely that the people in their lives – their children, spouses, colleagues, and friends – know that they have a problem.

Some signs that you or a loved one has anger issues include:

Situations escalate quickly and involve you getting angry suddenly. When a person has anger issues, you can be talking with them one minute, and before you know it something sets them off and they blow their top. A person with anger issues goes from zero to a hundred in no time, and it can be disorienting for the people around them.

Getting angry over small matters. Most people can let things slide, but in many cases, a person with anger issues will get angry over the slightest incident, and sometimes they can get angry at a person without apparent cause.

Being angry all or most of the time. You can tell when a person has anger issues because their predominant mood is to be angry. If their lives were given a color palette, red would likely be the main hue.

The anger may be directed at multiple targets, including colleagues, a failing sports team, fellow drivers on the road, their children, the neighbors, the dog, the government, and so on. Something is always a target of their emotions, and the emotion they typically express is anger.

Expressing anger in violence. Anger, as with other emotions, can and should be expressed in healthy ways. God gave us our emotions for a reason, and we can steward them well through emotional intelligence that helps us express ourselves appropriately.

If a person has anger issues, they will often express their anger in ways that are unsafe for others, and these may include physical or verbal violence. Punching walls, pulling on their own hair, shouting, cursing, or calling people names, throwing objects, hitting someone, and other similar examples are just a few ways in which anger issues can manifest.

Passive aggression and the silent treatment. Stewing in your anger, and punishing others through silence and withholding communication, giving them hard looks, being sarcastic or condescension may all signal anger issues. Often, we think of anger issues as outbursts of emotion and harmful actions toward others, but anger issues can also be present in smoldering, self-contained acts of aggression.

What makes people so angry?

When anger issues present themselves, they don’t come out of thin air. There is always an underlying cause for the anger issues, and they can be as diverse as having poor impulse control; experiencing health concerns such as depression in men, which has symptoms such as anger and irritability; taking certain medications that cause mood changes; exposure to anger – for instance in childhood – and taking on those patterns of behavior; and stress, which can affect our ability to cope with our emotions. These and other potential causes underlying anger issues may the root of the anger issues in you or your loved one’s life.

Dealing with anger issues

God does not intend for our lives to be dominated by anger. Instead of being ruled by anger, God’s intention for people is for them to live lives of godliness marked by peace, joy, patience, and love toward others. When we look at passages of the Bible, we find that these are the fruit of the Spirit that grows in our lives. In contrast to that are lives marked by malice, anger, bitterness (Galatians 5; Ephesians 4).

Anger can be extremely destructive, not only in the life of the person experiencing it but anyone else who is exposed to it. Anger can make people say things they regret. It can make a parent say terrible things that will echo in their child’s heart and mind for the rest of their lives.

Out of control anger can even lead to the loss of life. This makes dealing with anger appropriately something that we can all make a priority. A few ways we can deal with anger include:

Learning to express anger constructively. Like every other emotion, anger can be good or bad, depending on what causes it and if it is out of control. Though we may scrutinize what makes us angry a little more closely and grow in our ability to be “slow to anger,” a more important question about anger is what we do with it. Expressing it destructively is an unhealthy way to address your anger. So, when we express our anger, it must be in constructive ways.

To get there, you must be able to slow down and think before you speak. Anger can cloud our judgment and before we know it, we’ve said something we shouldn’t. So do yourself and the people around you a favor – if you feel anger rising, take a step back and bite your tongue (not literally, of course). Step out of the room if you need to. Excuse yourself from the conversation, then reengage when you’re feeling calm.

When you’re having a conversation with someone, don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying. This applies doubly to something that is written, for instance in an email or on social media.

Again, slow down and try to exercise some empathy, giving the person the benefit of the doubt and room to explain themselves fully. Anger easily short-circuits our ability to reason things through calmly, so you must actively cultivate your capacity to slow down and listen.

In learning to express yourself constructively, in some instances you may have to say whatever you want to say as a soliloquy or to a close friend to hear how it sounds first. You may also choose to write it down first, or if you’re planning to respond to an e-mail and you suspect you may be angry, leave your reply in your drafts folder for a few hours at least.

Respond when you’ve taken some time and can consider the possible impact of your correspondence. When you speak with someone, it’s helpful to articulate yourself using your “I” statements.

Learn your triggers. Knowing yourself is a large part of the battle against sinful anger. If you know the kinds of things that set you off, you can keep a closer watch on yourself and the situations you find yourself in. When something happens that triggers your anger, it won’t catch you by surprise, because you have prepared for that scenario and have a game plan in place. Some people journal or keep a diary, and that helps them to identify their triggers.

Express gratitude and learn to laugh. One pastor has spoken about the “expulsive power of a superior affection” which means that sometimes the way to quell unhelpful impulses is to replace them with something more attractive and life-giving. If anger takes up a huge part of your life, when you get rid of it, you must replace it with something else.

Expressing gratitude not only helps to boost your mood, but it also reorients your outlook on life; it’s a superior affection that can help you to deal with those rough patches in life with a cheerful outlook. Learning to laugh at yourself also helps you not take yourself seriously, especially in those situations which would cause you to erupt to defend yourself.

Letting go of grudges and forgiving those who’ve wronged us also goes a long way in helping us overcome anger. Unforgiveness sits like a heavy stone in our hearts, and the anger and resentment it generates consume us from the inside out.

Go to anger management therapy. Anger issues affect us and the people around us. If you have a loved one with anger issues, encourage them to go for therapy; draw a boundary and hold them to the consequences of crossing it. If you struggle with anger issues, you need to address them, and therapy with a mental health professional will help immensely.

It can help you understand the roots of your struggle with anger and provide you with a space to process your thoughts. Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help you work through unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors, providing you with the tools you need to deal with anger appropriately and chart a new path for your life.