What are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship?

If you’ve ever wondered, “What are the signs of a toxic relationship?” this article is for you. Our relationships have a huge role to play in our well-being and growth as people. Being surrounded by nurturing, compassionate, supportive networks of relationships, will help you to thrive and become the person God meant you to be.

We need people around us that care about us, invest in our success, rejoice with us in our triumphs, weep with us in our losses and failures, speak truth to us to keep us accountable, and so much more. These people can be our colleagues, friends, our siblings, our parents, or a spouse.

If a person is like a plant, good relationships are the fertile soil, gentle rain, and warm sunshine that makes them flourish. Of course, you can have a resilient plant that grows in a harsh environment – the proverbial rose that grew in concrete – but that is neither ideal nor desirable.

If having healthy relationships helps us to flourish, it’s also true that unhealthy relationships can negatively impact our mental, physical, and emotional health. Conflict-ridden relationships can sap our energy; relationships defined by negativity can generate cycles of unhelpful thoughts; verbally and physically abusive relationships threaten our sense of safety, induce stress and so much more. It’s helpful, then, to know what the signs of unhealthy or toxic relationships are so you can avoid or address those dynamics before they overwhelm your life.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

Constant conflict

Relationships aren’t easy. If you ask a couple that’s been married for a long time, you’ll realize that they’ve also had their hard seasons. Things don’t always go smoothly, and disagreements happen in even the most loving relationships.

While disagreement and conflict are a reality for us ever since Genesis 3, a relationship characterized by conflict has likely strayed into unhealthy territory. If the pattern of your relationship is to be mired in conflict over one issue or another, that’s an unhealthy way to relate to one another.

To thrive, relationships require good, clear communication, a willingness to compromise and meet each other halfway, and empathy. Constant conflict can indicate that one or all of these are absent from the equation.

When you don’t know each other’s needs and how to meet them, when you can’t communicate your needs in a non-aggressive way, when you don’t see or can’t treat the other person as their own person, all of those can lead to conflict. Conflict is emotionally stressful, among other things. It can overshadow positive actions, intentions, and feelings towards others, derailing the relationship.

One person has a voice

In healthy relationships, people are seen and heard as much as they see and hear others in turn. Even between parents and their children, parents must be aware of their children’s needs, give them room to express themselves and be their own person.

When one person’s opinion is all that matters in a relationship, that introduces a pathology into the relationship that is detrimental to its health. Codependent relationships, where one person is primarily concerned with the feelings of the other person and relies upon the other for their emotional and self-esteem needs, are an extreme form of this.

Another form of asymmetry in relationships shows up in a lack of reciprocity that manifests itself with you being there for people but they’re not there for you. There’s no equal relationship where we meet each other exactly halfway.

However, we all bring something to the relationship, and if you find yourself constantly giving and not receiving what you need, that’s an imbalance that needs to be addressed. If your expressed needs are not heard and little to no effort is expended to meet them, that is deeply problematic.

Yet another example of this toxic one-sided way of relating is when gaslighting occurs in a relationship. Gaslighting is when someone calls your memory, experiences, and feelings into question so that you doubt yourself and embrace their version of events and reality.

The gaslighter dismisses the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of the gaslightee, which disempowers them while placing an inordinate amount of control in the hands of the gaslighter. If the gaslighter is challenged by the gaslightee, they often dismiss it as paranoia, poor memory, instability, and so on.

It’s not safe

When a relationship becomes emotionally and physically unsafe, that’s a good sign that it’s a toxic relationship. Of course, we have to respect boundaries, social etiquette, and propriety (there are things you can do at home that you shouldn’t do at work or in public), but being yourself, and having the freedom to be yourself in a relationship is a great environment to flourish in. Within those parameters, if you feel unsafe, that’s a sure sign that something is wrong.

Whether it’s constant sharp-tongued criticism, sarcastic barbs, insults, the threat of or actual physical violence upon your person, many things can make us feel unsafe. When people don’t respect our boundaries, that too can make us feel unsafe. It may be a boss, a friend, or a colleague that doesn’t seem to respect our personal physical space, or who asks intrusive and deeply personal questions.

There’s no forgiveness

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”, says the apostle Paul in one of his most famous letters to the Christians in Rome. None of us are perfect, and we make all kinds of mistakes – in judgment, action, and much more.

We all have things we need forgiveness for, and part of a healthy cycle in a relationship is for mistakes to be apologized for, amends made, and new behavior patterns established, and forgiveness to be extended to the erring individual. Now, no one is entitled to forgiveness, and if someone does not want to forgive a person that wronged them, that is their prerogative.

However, if amends are made and repentance is undertaken, the lack of forgiveness and the negative feelings that can engender may have a deleterious effect on a relationship. Forgiveness and reconciliation are the lifeblood of relationships that weather storms.

If past mistakes are never forgiven nor forgotten, that severely undermines the future of that relationship. What we’re addressing here is the way that someone’s past mistakes can be wielded against them as a weapon, to keep them in line. When unforgiveness turns into bitterness and resentment, that is also detrimental to the health of a relationship.

Lack of boundaries

Each relationship must have boundaries for it to flourish. When the people in a relationship are clear about what they are comfortable with and how they would like to be treated, that makes for a conducive space for mutual respect and care. As long as those boundaries are respected, people know what to expect of one another.

Healthy boundaries also protect you and others. For example, when you don’t rely on your partner to make you happy, that relieves them of the pressure of being more than they can be, and it allows you to have realistic expectations of your relationships.

Boundaries are about extending respect toward others and receiving respect in turn. Whether it’s with a boss, siblings, colleagues, or a spouse, having boundaries allows the relationship to flourish. When expectations, goals, and tolerances are communicated well and honored, it allows for the participants in the relationship to feel heard and know how to relate well with one another.

Far from stifling romance and warm feelings, having clear boundaries communicates how a person wants to be loved and treated. When a relationship has no boundaries, or if boundaries are established but they get ignored, that is another sign of a toxic relationship.

Conclusion

Healthy relationships are a blessing when we’re in them. As deeply relational beings, when our relationships are vibrant spaces of healing, truth, compassion, empathy, and love, that means we can also flourish. When our relationships suffer, we too suffer. Perhaps you find certain relationships hard. They sap your joy and take a lot of energy to maintain.

If you’re unsure whether your relationships are toxic, consider speaking with a trained relationship therapist who can discern normal and healthy patterns of relationship. What may at first appear normal might be a debilitating pattern of relationship that is undermining your mental, emotional, and physical health.