5 Ways to Get Rid of Family Rifts

No matter how close a family is, people are bound to have conflicts. This is especially true within the confines of a family dynamic. People often see the best in their families. This, paired with a spirit of competition, can lend itself to complex family relationships, taking sides, and inevitably, family rifts that are hard to repair. When a parent is angry with a child or two siblings are mad at each other, it creates a rift in the family dynamic.

The Bible has few examples of healthy family relationships. Starting with Adam and Eve, sin spread to Cain and Abel and has been passed down to us, making sin an inevitable part of every family. Familial rifts are always a result of sin. As much as a parent may try to overcome them, sometimes they cannot be overcome, especially if the siblings are adults.

Because they’re adults, they want to be supported to make their own decisions. They no longer need a parent to help them navigate through conflict. However, watching their unity fall apart can be difficult for a family. Even if a complete repair of the rift is not possible, there are some things you can do to help get to the bottom of it and resolve it as best as possible.

Resolving Family Rifts

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Not only are we to maintain peace in our own lives, but we’re also to be peacemakers to others. This may mean mediating the situation to help everyone get what they want or need from the relationship. Here are five ways to get rid of family rifts:

Have a heart-to-heart

Because we live in a busy world, it’s easy to forget how to converse well with others. Sometimes, all it takes is a heart-to-heart conversation with the hurting people to get to the bottom of the problem. More likely, the surface issue they’re fighting about differs from the real issue.

Do your best to listen to each person’s side of the story. It is best to take each person aside individually and hear their side. Then, bring them together and allow them to talk to each other with you as a mediator.

Allow each person to listen to the other as the other speaks. Discourage them from interrupting or shaming others into believing what they’re saying is a lie. Each person’s feelings are valid, and their feelings must be validated. Use wisdom and discover what could be done to rectify the situation. In some cases, more needs to be done. However, each side can take at least baby steps to make the journey toward reconciliation.

It’s challenging to see peace or unity come from the middle of conflict. However, someone who is not entirely involved in the situation may be able to see it from a different perspective. Every person needs a mediator to see things from a neutral perspective and not seek to gain anything from a person winning or losing the conflict. Although being a mediator may be difficult at times, it can be beneficial to help both people reconcile in the end.

Discover what’s underneath

More often, there is more going on with the situation than is being discussed. For example, two siblings may argue over unequal gifts or possessions. However, the real issue involves something other than acquiring possessions or money. Deep down, each person wants to be valued, loved, and cherished as they are.

If a parent has shown favoritism to one or the other, that favoritism rears its ugly head throughout their lives. As the mediator, it is good for you to discover what might be going on and the deeper problem that lies underneath. If you can get to the bottom of the deeper issue, you can get both sides talking. Even if it gets complicated and the conversation becomes stiff, it is good to help wade through those conversations to understand what’s happening.

Be encouraging and let both sides know that they are loved as they are. They don’t need possessions or even love from a parent, especially a parent who can’t give that love to be happy and whole. Help them see that the real issue has nothing to do with them but how they feel about themselves and their relationships in the family dynamic.

Pray for wisdom

Wisdom is vital when it comes to family relationships. They need someone who can discern what is going on. Once the real issue can be identified, that person can state it plainly and allow both parties to express what they’re feeling. Once both parties express their feelings, they can get to a point where they can either resolve the conflict or sever the relationship.

Although it is not ideal for the relationship to be severed, in some cases, it may be best due to the nature of the offenses that have occurred. Ask God to help you discern what is best to do in that situation. Sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to set up boundaries to limit the access that person has to your life. In other cases, it may take a simple forgiveness and an apology from both sides to reconcile their relationship as best as possible.

Share your story

As you listen to both sides, think and reflect on your life. Have you experienced anything like what they’re experiencing? Hearing someone else’s story makes them feel like they’re not alone. Please share your story openly with them. This is also your chance not only to be known by your siblings but also to know their story.

As you share your story, it levels the playing field and makes you a peer, rather than an authority figure. When you begin to act as a peer, closeness and bonding can take place. Be willing to share your story openly and vulnerably. Allow your siblings to get to know you and discover new things about you that they didn’t already know.

Empathize, don’t judge

In that type of relationship, when two people are not acting maturely, it is easy to judge them and tell them to grow up or act in a certain way. However, you will need more than that to achieve your desired outcome. Do your best to empathize with both sides of the issue.

Please help them see that what they feel is normal and valid. Please help them know that getting over those feelings will take time. Refrain from judgment and help them feel that their feelings have validity and are even necessary in some instances.

Once the situation has been resolved, please do your best to follow up with each side and see how they’re doing. This shows that you care and weren’t just there to help referee, but rather mediate conflict so that both people get what they want.

More than likely, each side wants something more profound, like unconditional love, acceptance, or validation of some kind. Help them achieve that with your words. Be encouraging and say something positive about each person. Even if the other person can’t do that, step in and be the person who can give an encouraging word during that time.

No matter how close a family is, family rifts seem to happen. However, they don’t have to be the end of a relationship. By stepping in and mediating, empathizing with their feelings, sharing your story openly and vulnerably, and discovering what’s underneath, you can be the soft landing place between a parent and child or two siblings. In so doing, you can be the peacemaker who helps achieve peace in the family and your soul.

Often, when a rift has occurred, it is easier to meet with family members away from the house. Here are some suggestions in Vancouver, Washington that may work for you:

If watching the kids or grandkids play while you try to reconnect, try meeting at one of Vancouver’s parks or at the library in Vancouver, Washington.

If a leisurely stroll by the waterfront is more your style, drop by Salt and Straw in Vancouver, WA, for some ice cream to take along.

Christian Family Counseling in Vancouver, WA

If you’re looking for a Christian family counselor in Vancouver, Washington, feel free to contact our reception team at Vancouver Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other faith-based receptionists at our location.