4 Traits of Toxic Couples and Dealing with Toxic Behaviors

Often, couples are presented in television and movies as falling into two extremes – the couple that’s so beautiful together that it’s almost annoying and hard to be around them, and the couple you want to avoid because they are a whirlwind of chaos. In reality, it’s not always that easy to discern which couple is which if you don’t know them well. Some are downright toxic couples.

Relationships can be complicated and hard to figure out because there may be patterns in them that are unhealthy, but the people in the relationship don’t see it that way. Unhealthy patterns may become normalized, or they aren’t seen as problematic even when they decidedly are. It takes a concerted effort to be self-aware enough to discern that there’s something wrong with your relationship.

Traits of Toxic Couples

If asked, most couples wouldn’t say that their relationships are toxic. We are often so deeply embedded in what we’re doing that we don’t notice it or we’re resistant to the notion that we’re doing anything wrong. The word ‘toxic’ may seem too strong to define our relationships and the patterns in them.

One way to understand the word “toxic” is to simply think of it as something that makes it hard for flourishing to occur. If a behavior makes it hard for another human being to flourish into the person the Lord intended them to be, it could be classified as toxic. With that in mind, what are some of the traits of toxic couples? They may include aspects such as the following:

Constant conflict

There is no healthy relationship that doesn’t have conflict. People will misunderstand one another, and through conflict, gain a greater understanding of each other’s values and concerns. Healthy conflict can help provide clarity. The resolution of conflict can bring a couple closer, with more insight into how to love each other well.

However, if a relationship is mired in constant conflict, there is a problem. Breakdowns in communication are problematic, such as poor listening, refusal to compromise or apologize, or no disclosure of concerns in the relationship. A couple that’s constantly in conflict, especially if it’s over the same issues, isn’t in a healthy place that’ll bring flourishing to one or both of them.

Toxic conflict may also be evidenced by frequent breakups and reconnections, social media drama and public arguments, or inappropriately involving other people in conflicts, also known as triangulation.

Abuse

Perhaps it goes without saying, but it needs saying. People are made in God’s image. That means there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of relating to these image-bearers. Physical violence and verbal abuse toward a partner are all forms of toxic behavior. Shouting, belittling, insulting, constantly criticizing, manipulating, controlling, and gaslighting are all forms of abuse.

If there is control or dominance by one partner over the other, financial manipulation or exploitation, restricting the freedom or autonomy of one partner, or isolating them from loved ones, then abuse is present in the relationship. Other forms of abuse would include guilt-tripping, manipulating through self-pity, using threats of self-harm or ultimatums to coerce behavior, or playing the victim.

Resentments and unforgiveness

There’s no question that couples will do things that are hurtful or offensive to one another. Someone will forget to do their chores, or they will neglect to say “Thank you” one too many times. Boundaries can get violated, intentionally or otherwise. All of these things cause hurt, and if they aren’t addressed, it leads to resentment and unforgiveness.

It is unhealthy for a couple to harbor resentment and unforgiveness. These are like poison to the soul of the relationship, and they will kill it eventually if they aren’t addressed.

Poor intimacy and affection

One of the facets of any healthy relationship is that there is vulnerability, connection, and affection between the partners. Some toxic traits may include a couple using sex as a bargaining chip, deliberately withholding affection and intimacy, disrespecting boundaries that have been clearly communicated, and emotional or physical infidelity.

A toxic relationship can leave you doubting yourself – your sanity, your memory, your decisions. It can result in feelings of unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment. Not only may you find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner, especially if there are anger issues to contend with, but you may find yourself losing touch with who you are, as well as losing touch with loved ones.

We are all a little toxic

The word “toxic” evokes images of something so unhealthy that it’s inhospitable to life. Something toxic chokes life and the flourishing of anything that is living and beautiful. Perhaps images of barrels of radioactive waste oozing and killing everything it comes into contact with come to mind. With that picture, it’s hard to contemplate using that word to describe ourselves or our relationships.

Perhaps that’s part of the problem. If we have in mind that picture of a couple that’s a whirlwind of chaos and destruction, it’s easy to let ourselves off the hook. However, each of us sows chaos and destruction in our relationships.

From a Christian perspective, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to say that we’re all at least a little toxic. We don’t love others as we ought to, and we perpetuate patterns of behavior that aren’t good for us or good for our significant other. We all fall short of God’s glorious standard for us and our relationships (Romans 3:23). In our relationships that can look like anger, impatience, jealousy, selfish ambition, and unfaithfulness (Galatians 5:19-21).

We can also struggle with things like extending compassion toward one another or being forgiving and helping each other bear up under our burdens (Colossians 3:13). Sometimes we hold grudges, carry resentments, and use our words to tear down instead of building one another up (Ephesians 4:29). While we may not necessarily be as toxic as some couples are, we carry toxicity in one way or another, large or small.

What this calls for is humility and the willingness to do a deep work of self-introspection. There may be patterns of behavior you’re comfortable with because it’s how you were raised, or it’s how the culture around you functions and what it expects of you, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.   

Finding Help to Resolve Toxic Traits in Relationships

The first step to resolving issues with a toxic relationship is to acknowledge that there is a problem. This is a necessary but uncomfortable step. If the word “toxic” feels too strong, perhaps the word “unhealthy” still applies. It should still lead you to the same conclusion that something needs to change in your relationship. An unhealthy or toxic dynamic in a relationship won’t get better by itself.

As a couple, it’s important to address any toxic dynamics in your relationship. The adage that it takes two to tango applies. In varying degrees, there is enough responsibility to go around. Each of you needs to change things about yourself, and also together as a couple. If one or both of you aren’t willing to change, you should give careful thought about whether the relationship should continue.

If you decide to seek help, several avenues may be of help. Individual counseling or couples counseling can make a difference in relationships. A counselor can help you reevaluate the relationship, discern the toxic dynamics in the relationship, set and communicate boundaries, and learn how to prioritize self-care and relate to each other in healthy ways. Your relationship can be turned around.

If you are ready to begin this process, reach out to our offices. We will make an appointment with one of the qualified therapists in our practice. Begin your journey toward flourishing today!